The last two weeks have felt like dog years.
Time is standing slow, the dog days of summer inching forward, leaving me in awe as I realize it has only been 2.5 weeks since I left work.
I feel far from my once daily routine. Packing a gym bag and work clothes and a lunch, driving the long commute and sitting in a corporate desk feel like ages ago. The 5.5 years I did them feel like a lifetime and another lifetime ago all at once.
A lot of people asked me if I felt 30 on my birthday, which is one of those funny things people always ask you when you turn another year. Do you feel 25? I remember people asking me a few years ago. Do you ever really feel older? I remember replying as I wondered if you ever, ever feel as old as you are.
This year, though, when people asked me if I felt 30, I told them I did.
30 is a round, big number that sounds old if I think about it too hard. But then, I also feel like I did a lot of living in 29. I got married and quit my job, which were two major heart-changing, transformative leaps that left me feeling older.
I'm realizing that maybe I don't feel like a grown up, but I feel more grown.
I feel awake and alive and certain. I feel scared and overwhelmed on some days. And that's because I'm making hard decisions that align with the life I want to live, which means saying no to old patterns and easy routines.
These days feel surreal and I know, just like many of our most transformative phases, that they'll be etched into my mind for years to come. I'll laugh about the time when I wasn't making hardly any money. I'll smile about the way I relied on Chris. I'll remember how certain I felt that the things I was doing were a little crazy.