Just Because He Loves Jesus Doesn't Mean He's the One

When I was 13 I made a list of all of the traits I wanted in my husband. He had to play guitar, be smart, love my family and love Jesus. As I've gotten older my list has evolved. He doesn't really need to play the guitar or do yoga. Those were negotiable. However, some of the others stuck. He has to love my family and care about me and be intelligent. And, the biggest one of all: he's gotta love Jesus.

A lot of my friends have similar non-negotiables - whether they are Christians or not, they have the things that they know they can't live without. For me, faith is a huge part of my life and the way I operate - both in big moments and in the day-to-day. I can't imagine building a family on anything but the foundation of Christ and I know I want to do that alongside my husband.

Sometimes, though, I think we get so caught up in checking the boxes that we forget there is more to it.

Just because a guy loves Jesus doesn't mean he's my husband. And the same goes for if he is Jewish or a Democrat or wants to travel to Africa, just like you.

Love and relationships are not about a series of checking the boxes and  just because someone meets my minimum criteria doesn't mean he is meant to be my life partner.

What I've learned is that the negotiable items - the things that I didn't really know I wanted or needed - are important, too. They are the pleasant surprises. Love isn't about meeting a baseline. It's not about maintaining control. It's about finding someone you want to have as your partner and grow alongside.

Someone might meet your checklist at first glance, but that doesn't mean you should marry him.

For about a year in my 20s, I dated a guy who met all the criteria I wanted on paper. But as we got to know each other better, it became clear he wasn't the one for me. Why? He was pretty guarded and rigid and those are traits that come very naturally to me, but I've worked really hard to break free from. So dating him was like dating myself a few years prior. He may have met my criteria on paper, but emotionally, we weren't aligned.

Melissa and I were talking about that relationship this week and she said:

It was like you could never relax with him.

And she's exactly right. I wasn't the fullest, most vibrant version of myself around him.

Checklists don't tell you that. You have to learn by trial and be willing to set the list aside. Even though I know I need to marry a God-fearing man who loves my family and ice cream, too, I hope the man I marry is more than these three things. I hope he is someone who brings out the best in me and helps me to be the fullest version of myself. I hope he is more than a checklist; I hope he is my partner in all I do.

5 Habits of Healthy Couples

I've had the privilege of watching a few of my very best friends get engaged in the last few weeks. As I've done it, I've thought a lot about what makes them strong - what has made their relationship work. Although it is - of course - a compilation of hundreds of things, this is what I've noticed about so many of them:

5 Habits of Healthy Couples

1. They never stop dating. They take time go on dates and pursue one another. They are comfortable but not complacent. Whether it be cooking together or getting all dressed up, they take time to connect. 
2. They have shared interests, but also have their own hobbies. It's important to have shared interests and things you want to do together. But I've also noticed the strongest couples have things they do on their own, too. They are not afraid to spend some time apart. They take time to grow as individuals, which makes them stronger as a couple. 
3. They over-communicate. I don't honestly think you can over-communicate when it comes to relationships. The best couples I know talk, talk, talk to make sure they are constantly on the same page. 
4. The practice self-care. We are better when we take time to care for ourselves. From getting enough sleep, to eating well, to exercising, we can serve and care for one another better when we are taken care of.
5. They apologize. Saying the s-word can be really hard, but it's essential in happy relationships. Even when it isn't your fault, you can be sorry. Sorry isn't about blame, it's about how you feel. 

on opening up

On Sunday I potted tulips in our front room - hoping to welcome spring into our house a little sooner. Historically, I've not had much of a green thumb so I read the instructions carefully: place in a room with direct sunlight. Do not allow tulips to stand in water or dry out completely.

I read the instructions a few times to make sure I had it right. They sounded a little temperamental and I wanted to make sure I didn't subject them to a drought of any kind.

This morning I walked out of my bedroom into the dimly lit house and something caught my eye; overnight the tulips opened up. They'd become red, beautiful flowers - filling our house with warm spring vibes.

Watching the shift overnight got me thinking about what it takes for us to open up. A friend and I were talking this weekend about how vulnerability is easily one of the hardest parts of adulthood. It is scary to let someone into your heart - to open up and let them see what's inside.

As I've gotten older, I've come to learn, though, that I never regret it when I am vulnerable. It is a leap of faith, but I am rarely sorry when I take it. I'm like the tulips; the conditions have to be just right and I can be a little temperamental. But it is always worth it.

Sometimes I think we hold our burdens too closely to our chests - we squeeze them tightly against us with the hope that no one will see that we are fighting; that we aren't perfect. But what if we loosened our grip? What if we held our arms out - opened up to the people around us, who love us, instead of carrying them all ourselves?

I don't know what your carrying today. Maybe you're living a life of performing and earning. Maybe you are not letting people see your hurts and truths. Maybe you are hiding behind a veil of perfection, because your burdens seem too big to share.

But even without knowing what you are carrying, I know that our troubles need to be aired out - not closed in. Things can seem big and scary in the dark, but when we shine light on them, they often become much smaller. And when we open up and let people see the real, honest versions of ourselves, we allow ourselves to shine and grow. And that is really beautiful.

Why I Am No Longer an Everyday Runner

Hello! :) 

Happy Wednesday!

Before this post, I have a few pieces of housekeeping: 

1. I had to add a word verification to my comment form because I got spammed by hundreds of fake comments all of the sudden. I know it's annoying - sorry!

2. I added a "coaching" tab to my blog. I'll tease it out in more detail soon, but wanted to let you know that after tonight (my last coaching class for phase 1), I am able to see clients. I cannot wait to connect!

3. This is a re-post from September. It felt important to talk about having a healthy relationship with exercise as we gear up for spring, and all the inevitable noise about bikini bodies. Stay strong in your worth :) 

//

I read a post a few weeks ago on A Cup of Jo about how, if asked to describe ourselves in five words at varying phases of life, you might not find any overlap between the words a few years apart. It resonated with me because, just that day Robyn and I were talking about how a year ago, if we'd been asked to describe ourselves, we both would have said "runner" first. 

But today?

It wouldn't even be in my top five. 

A healthy living and fitness enthusiast? Absolutely. Someone who prioritizes exercise? Yes. But for me, right now, long distance running doesn't align with healthy living in my life. 

After years of having too many rules around my relationship with running - from a minimum distance required each day for it to "count," to needing to do intervals and stairs and sprints and all sorts of things in between -  I have learned that it's healthier for my mind and body to exercise differently. I have learned not to fear weights, not to worship cardio, to take rest days, try new classes for fun and even "count" walks. 

I have learned to have a healthier relationship with exercise for the joy it brings me and for the amazing things it does for my mind and body when it isn't abused. Because, just like anything else, exercise is so good, but too much of anything isn't good anymore. 

That's a lot to gain. But what about the things I've lost? What about the way I used to be able to run far and fast? And about how my body looked different - to some, maybe better? About how I went out, without training, and won a triathlon? What about how I used to have visions of completing a half Ironman and now I don't even run every day?

image

If I let myself, I can get a lot of anxiety about losing all of those things. About losing so many of the attributes that once made me feel like me. 

But the anxiety is worth pushing through. Because a year ago, I could have described myself as a runner. But two of my other words could have been rigid and fearful. Because I had no room for flexibility in my day - I had to run these miles and exercise this way in order to feel like I'd earned my keep. And I feared what would happen if I didn't. 

Today, I might not be winning any events or dreaming of being a sponsored Ironman competitor. Not even close. But I have learned to have balance. I have become less afraid. I have become less rigid and more flexible. I have become someone who is having more fun and who is overall happier. And for right now, that's a lot more important in my life than being able to say I run every day. 

Some notes: 
1. This is a joint post with Robyn. Read about her journey with running here.
2. Just because my relationship with running has changed does not mean I believe running is bad or wrong. Many people have perfectly healthy relationships with running and I think that's wonderful :)