Resolving Conflict When You're Not on the Same Page

On our best days, when it comes to making decisions, Chris and I are two sides of a balanced teeter totter. I'm inclined toward my heart; I'm gut-reaction, instinctively knowing what we need to do. Chris leans head; weighing outcomes, measuring options, thinking through the next steps. When we're good, we're both 85/15. Mostly leaning one way, but able to see the other person's perspective; willing to reach across the midpoint to find one another.

When we aren't good, though? It's not like this. I lean too heavily on my heart, pouring more emotions into it than I should. I struggle to see the numbers and only consider the feelings. Chris moves just as quickly away, getting out his ruler as he takes his planning to the next degree, assuming a little more precision will help him gain his footing. 

I've learned that so often our greatest strength as a couple can become our weakness if we aren't careful. Our head and heart combination - one minute our shield - can become our downfall if we let it.

Marriage has taught us that there will be days, months and seasons when one of us is ready for something before the other person is. To be honest, I'm often ready first. Things tend to make sense in my heart faster than logic will allow for it. That's the thing about your gut; it doesn't always leave room for explanation.

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When I have an idea, I generally know within minutes how I feel about it and am ready to put a plan into place. Chris, on the other hand needs time to think on it. He wants to talk through the idea, spend time alone with it, pray about the decision. 

During our early days of dating, one of our greatest sources of conflict was when I'd share an idea with him and expect to be excited the moment it hit my lips. I'd say: let's wake up and drive to Florida!, anticipating his response to be something along the lines of: You read my mind. My bags are packed. Let's leave tonight instead! In actuality, he'd say something like: That's sounds fun. Where should we stay? How much will it cost?  And then I'd be upset, frustrated that he didn't immediately match my enthusiasm.

As we grew together, we learned that with a mix of spontaneity and planning, we're able to enthusiastically take the trip, but remember to budget for it. And even pack road trip snacks!

When we turn away from one another, his questions become insurmountable to me and my big dreams become flippant to him.

So what do you do when it feels like you're waiting for your spouse to come around on an idea and you're already halfway out the door? What do you do when you're approaching a decision totally differently? What do you do when you just don't see eye to eye on the next steps? 

Here are a few things that have helped us navigate these moments:

1. Pray about it.

Pray for what you hope for, yes. But also, pray to see his perspective. Pray to see what he sees. Pray to come toward one another and be willing to change your perspectives. Pray for the greater good of your family, as opposed to what you want.

2. Touch each other.

I'm always amazed at the way holding hands or touching Chris' leg during conflict helps us resolve it. It softens me; reminding me he's a human, not a small army. 

3. Acknowledge your side.

It helps me so much when Chris admits he's being overly cautious. Saying it doesn't necessarily mean he's going to change his mind, but it puts voice behind his perspective. And, it helps him when I say: I know this doesn't totally make sense to you, but it feels right. 

4. Walk away.

If you just can't come together, take a break. Talk about it in a few days. Go for a walk by yourselves. Call a friend who will talk you off the ledge. Do not call the friend who will only agree with you. Call someone who will challenge you and help you move in the right direction.

5. Understand you might have to let go. 

It's awesome when you can reach a compromise. But, sometimes one person just has to get their way. One person has to be right. In those moments, we have to open up our hands to the Lord and trust. I love Chris, I believe in his instincts and decisions. If he's feeling convicted before me, sometimes I have to trust what he's saying, even when it doesn't make sense to me.

In the end, if you wind up going his direction and not yours, commit to trying your best to make it work. It can be tempting to pout, but, remember, if it's better for you as a couple or a family, it generally is better for you as an individual, too. 

What is Your Criticism Telling You?

Years ago, I was struggling through a book my bible study was reading. I found the writing to be undeveloped and her thoughts to be repetitive. Around the halfway point, in a moment of frustration, I told my group: I can't take it anymore. She just keeps saying the same thing over and over. If this girl has a book that's this popular, I can definitely write a book.

Not exactly my most flattering look. It's for moments like these that we need safe, nonjudgmental people by our sides. 

My friend, Kate, replied: OK. So why haven't you written a book yet? 

It was a defining question for me. It was the moment I realized I was being so critical of this author not because I cared about her writing style, but, because I was jealous of her. She'd made my dream happen. She did the thing I thought I'd do first. And she's done it multiple times with multiple books!

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My reaction had nothing to do with her, or her success, but, was simply an arrow pointing to the hole in my own heart. 

We do this all the time as women:
When someone loses (a healthy amount of) weight, we are quick to say they look too thin, as we quietly wish we could do the same.

When someone has her fourth baby, we're quick to imply that it's a little odd, don't you think, to have yet another child so soon? Meanwhile, we're yearning for one sweet babe of our own.

When that deliriously happy couple gets engaged after just six months, we find ourselves judging them: what's the hurry, after all? Doesn't it seem a little strange? 

When a coworker gets fast-tracked for a promotion, we huddle with friends over the coffee machine, agreeing that she has always been a bit opportunistic. 

When a friend buys that big, beautiful home with a farmhouse sink, we think of all of the things we don't like about the house. Who wants all that space to take care of, anyway? 

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But the truth is, in these moments, our criticism very rarely has something to do with the other person at all. It is an indicator, instead, of what we yearn for. It is evidence of what feels beyond our reach. Whether it be a career goal, a relationship dream or anything in between, if we take time to sit in our frustration - our jealousy - and examine where it is pointing us, we'll be able to move more quickly beyond it.

Sometimes I read books that don't have great writing. But most of the time, if I find myself being hypercritical, I ask myself the hard question: am I really just jealous that she's doing the thing I said I'd do? And, if so, why don't I just go out and do it? 

Sending you solidarity and forward momentum on this Monday. 

Why You Should Celebrate Everything

18 months ago, when I launched The Letter Project, I had no idea what I was doing. In fact, I just posted the idea of it here on my blog, thinking it might be a little campaign I try out. I had no idea what kind of growth and support I'd receive.

Also? I had no plan. Literally. No systems to organize the requests. No business goals. No concept of how I'd pay for the postage. Nothing. It was an idea I had one day over lunch with a friend and, within 24 hours, I'd posted it. Excel sheets? Nope. Forms to document requests? Nada. Terms and conditions to protect myself legally? Not a thing, butterbean. 

The day I launched (though "launch" sounds like it was more organized than it really was!), Chris and I went to dinner to celebrate. The fact that I'd shared it with the world and received positive feedback felt like something worth acknowledging.

I posted a photo on Instagram and captioned it "celebrate we will." Minutes later, a friend texted me: why are you celebrating? She was only being curious, but I immediately felt ashamed. She knew about The Letter Project. Did she not think it was worth commemorating? Were we being overly indulgent? Were we making something out of nothing? I felt so embarrassed. (Though, it's worth noting this was far from her intention - she was just trying to be a good friend!)

My niece, Della, celebrating life in a big way. :) 

As I reflected on it later that night, I realized accusing someone of over-celebrating isn't exactly an insult. In fact, I want to be just the type of person who does over-celebrate.

I want to take time to recognize small victories. I want to slow down enough to appreciate little wins. I want to sink into the goodness life offers us - both big and small - whenever I can. I want to be vulnerable to the abundant joy life provides, whether it be through big news, like our CNN shoot, or tiny things, like the fact that the previous homeowners planted beautiful spring tulips that just popped up. 

So today, I'm celebrating. It's Friday, it's supposed to be 83 degrees and I'm having an iced coffee later. To me, those three things are worth all of the praise.

Let's celebrate life for its beauty, its simplicity and its goodness. Let's celebrate daily, not because each one is perfect, but because remembering to pay attention to life's sweetness just might be the very thing that makes it sweet after all.

Mother's Day Gift Guide

My due date is one week before Mother's Day, which means I will most certainly have gifts for my mom and mother-in-law ordered before the day comes. I can't imagine what sort of gift I'd order from the hospital, in that post-baby-delirium-slash-blissed-out state.

I thought I'd share a few of the Mother's Day gifts I've been eyeing. 

Maya Angelou's book Mom & Me & Mom. I recently heard Maya speak on a podcast about her relationship with her mom and I thought it would be such a thoughtful Mother's Day gift. She is so wise!

A painting of her house from That's So Fletch. A girl I know from Atlanta paints these and I think they're so beautiful. Such a sweet way to remember a season.

Compose Prayer Journal. I can't imagine how much mamas must pray for their babies. We pray for ours all the time and we haven't even met it yet! I think these journals are lovely.

Strong Is the New Pretty. I love this book. I have almost purchased it for our coffee table a million times. Such a nice tribute to women and girls everywhere.

Joan of Arc sign from Magnolia Market. We have this in our house and every time I feel nervous about childbirth, I stand in front of it and remind myself my body was made to do this. Kind of silly, I know. But it works!

Laneige Water Sleeping Mask. I convinced my mom to try this in December and she was totally hooked. It is deeply moisturizing and feels more luxurious than a $26 product. I can't imagine anything better than that for a hard working mama! 

A bundle from The Letter Project :) Honor your mama with us! For $10, you can sponsor one bundle. Following your donation, you'll receive an email with a printable card to give her, explaining just how generous you were!

What other ideas do you have? I'm ordering my gifts this week!