What 2019 Taught Me
The week before Thanksgiving, we lost a third baby. Another positive pregnancy test, another beautiful due date, slipping through our finger tips.
On the hard days, I’m tempted to say 2019 was a terrible year. I’m tempted to make it only about our miscarriages. I’m tempted to let these losses define all 365 days, leaving us limping into 2020.
But I know better than that. And, for me, to label it only as a no-good-very-bad year, would feel like taking the easy way out. Like leaving a movie when it gets to the sad scenes. It is shortcut; not the full picture.
In 2019, Mac turned one. He learned to walk - and run! He went from a baby to a toddler. He talks and jumps (or thinks he’s jumping!). He dances and has opinions and loves spicy food and vinegar and La Croix.
He’s funny and wild and a reminder, daily, that we can create life.
Chris started a new job and no longer travels (three cheers for that!!!). We’ve never felt closer. If our marriage is a knot, it has been yanked and tugged all year. Financially, emotionally, spiritually - it is as if someone has taken the rope and tightened it in every direction. The pressure and pain of that has been real. But the result is our marriage being stronger and more certain than ever before.
Charlottesville feels like home. We have family nearby who we see all the time. And we have friends - really good friends! We feel known and loved in this community.
There is so much I could say about our miscarriages and the way they have shaped our faith and family. There is so much I could tell you about the hard days - how I still cry unexpectedly and beg God to move us out of this season. How I feel scared we’ll never hold another newborn in our arms. About how hard it is to be around friends with babies - even though I’m so, genuinely happy for them. About how I honestly wonder if pregnant people are following me (are they?).
I could tell you about the good days, too. How sure I am that the Lord has not forgotten us and already knows the birthdays of all of our babies ahead. How He has written this season for us and not one minute of pain will be wasted. How I’ve never felt more surrendered in life.
Yes, there is so much to say and so much I am still learning. So much on which I am uncertain. But today, I know this to be true:
2019 was hard.
2019 was beautiful.
2019 taught me you can have both peace and pain simultaneously.
It taught me that sorrow deepens joy. But joy does not deepen sorrow.
It taught me to celebrate everything. And to be grateful for every single day with a baby inside you. A day with a baby is better than a day without, even if you don’t know how long you’ll get to keep it.
It reminded me to think of afterlife often, of our babies dancing on Heaven’s doorstep.
It reminded me that every single life is a miracle.