On Communication in Relationships

One of the weirder habits I have is that I name the inanimate objects in our home. From Stu to Bamboo to our coffee pot, Cole, most of our possessions have a name. There's Clark, the closet door and Sparky, the mail scale. Adele the Orchid, of course, need not be forgotten. 

Early in our marriage, I realized there were a few things Chris and I did differently around the house. While I'd like to be an easy going, low key chick who doesn't care if the house is tidy, it's not who I am. I realized I could either nag Chris about some of the little things that bother me, or we could make it a game by personifying our possessions. 

If I walk into the bathroom and the toilet seat, Tommy, is up, I exclaim, Chris! You are not going to believe this. Tommy did a trick! He stood up on his own. And then Chris laughs and puts the toilet seat down. If we're on vacation and it happens, I'll walk out of the bathroom and look at Chris really seriously (/laughing) and tell him I had no idea he'd invited Tommy on our vacation. 

Writing this makes me sound a little bit crazy, I realize. But! It has taught me a lot about managing expectations with your significant other, as well as not taking the little things too seriously. Like I said, I'd love to be someone who just doesn't care if the toilet seat is up or down, but that isn't who I am. I feel respected and valued when Chris remembers to do put it down. Conversely, if he leaves it up, it kind of hurts my feelings. 

I've learned in the last year that the only way for our significant others to understand what matters to us is to tell them. How could he ever know that I want him to shut the closet door at bedtime if I don't ask him to do it? And how could I know what little things bother him if he doesn't do the same?

During our engagement, we took part in Matt Chandler's Mingling of Souls conference. Something Matt said that really stuck with me is this:

The root of all conflict is unmet expectation.

During the last 11 months, I've learned that nothing could be more true. The little things, which can be easy to forget to talk about, can really fester in your marriage if you don't communicate them. On the flip side, though, when we over communicate, we can defuse almost anything pretty quickly. One of the rules we both try to live by is that we never want to be afraid of telling each other things. From disappointment to frustration to confusion, we have agreed upon an oversharing policy.

One of our mantras is: I want to be brave enough to tell you anything and, in turn, I want to believe you're strong enough to hear it. 

Believing Chris is strong enough to hear anything - from disappointments to a confession that I had a dream about my ex (whut!?) - indicates that I believe in his strength. It can be tempting not to tell each other things, with the hope of protecting each other. What marriage has taught me is that this actually disables one another, while being honest empowers us. 

I've only been married 350 days and have a whole lot to learn, but if there is one thing I hope we can do in our relationship, it is to empower one another. 

Happy Friday!

Roasted Beet Hummus

You can’t beat beet hummus, amiright? I recently experimented with a recipe for this hummus and thought I’d share it. It’s supersimple and nutrient dense.

If you don’t like beets, it’s probably not the recipe for you because it tastes quite beety. However, if you like them, it’s delicious! Not to mention beet-iful in its bright pink color.

OK I will stop with beet jokes and share the recipe.

Ingredients:

1 can garbanzo beans
Two large or three medium beets
Juice from 1 lemon, plus more as needed
1 T. tahini
Salt, pepper, cumin, cayenne to taste
1/4 cup of water or olive oil if you want a richer taste

To Make:

It’s important to note there are two ways to make this recipe. If you like a sweeter hummus, roast the beets before making. If you like an earthier taste and have a Vitamix or powerful, pulverizing blender, you can keep them raw. I preferred them raw.

  1. Optional: roast beets to soften at 375 for ~45 minutes
  2. Blend beets until creamy. If you opted not to roast the beets, this is going to take a minute. If your blender is not proving able, trying cutting the beets into pieces.
  3. Once creamy, add lemon juice, Tahini, water (or oil) and garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed
  4. Add in spices. Taste as you go to add more as needed. 

Enjoy with chips, carrots or cucumbers! :) 

you don't have to do all the things.

In high school, I was on the swim team and ran cross country and track. People always asked me why I picked such boring sports and consistently wondered what I thought about during the long workouts. I always told them the not-so-exciting truth: I did math in my head. I'd take my splits and divide them by the distance I'd run. Or I'd find different ways to flip the yardage in the pool around in my head - if this, then that, with math. 

I guess I didn't really dispel their perception that I'd selected boring sports?

I started swimming on a team when I was four and didn't stop until my sophomore year of college. Many of my childhood memories revolve around the pool and the smell of chlorine can still elicit more positive memories than any other scent besides my childhood home. For a while, I think I felt more comfortable under water than above it.

After swimming for so many years, by high school, I was able to do a lot of different races. I could sprint a 50 freestyle if I needed to just as easily as I could grind out a 500 (which, for those who don't know about swimming, is a big mental difference). For a while, I constantly competed in different races - distance one meet, sprinting the next. It wasn't until later in my career that a good coach finally forced me to specialize. He started having me train for primarily distance races, understanding that while I could sprint if needed, it was better to develop my slow twitch muscles more thoroughly. 

I thought about this recently as a client mentioned she was struggling to specialize in her career. She is really good at a lot of different things. What a gift! Right? Right. But, it can also be really overwhelming. You can wind up pulled in a lot of directions in your career. Also, a lot of people will want you to be on their nonprofit boards and business councils and run their clubs.

When you're good at a lot of things, people would like your help with a lot of things. 

I guess I wanted to tell you two things, dear readers, in case you share this same situation with my client:

1. Just because you're good at something doesn't mean you have to do it.

Different seasons of life call for different commitments. Some seasons are for leading, some for following. Some are for caring for others, some are for letting yourself be cared for. We are not meant to do every thing in every season. We must harvest & rest. When we let go of something, we make space for something else. You cannot be everything to everyone all the time. 

2. It's OK to say no.

Do you want me to repeat that? It's OK to say no. It took me until I was pretttty much 30 to believe this enough to act upon it. You don't have to make up a reason, either. You can just be honest and tell someone: I'm sorry, I am just not up for that right now. I believe in you and want you to know I support you. 

I've learned (mostly through therapy) that there are two types of people in this world: people who have boundaries and people who don't. When you tell someone with boundaries that you aren't able to commit to something, they'll say: OK! Thanks for being honest with me. And thanks for believing in me. Someone who doesn't have boundaries might not be so gracious in their response and it's simply because they aren't giving themselves the same permission to say no. We can only give to others what we first give to ourselves.