on being single // update

I'm out of here next week. Hopping on a plane from ATL > Amsterdam > Rwanda > Uganda. I'm in full on go mode. My mind is running nonstop and if I go anywhere at all without my to do list, I return to my desk with six emails from myself. Pack this. Buy that. Don't forget to get a flu shot.

It's all go go go and every time I sit down to write a blog post, I get three or four thoughts going and somehow end up back where I began, deleting it all. My mind can't slow down enough to process and I know the minute I land in my seat on the plane my brain will begin to flood with posts. I'll be scribbling notes into the margins of my books, dog earring the pages so I remember where I wrote that random idea.

But I also know I desperately need to blog now about my break from dating. Because when I get back from Africa, it will be over and everything will be different. I won't be in the woods anymore, but instead in the meadow, and everything looks different from there. 

First of all, I've had a lot more fun being single than I expected. I've had this new attitude of I do what I want and I hope I can hold onto it as I go from this place. I wear what I want, go where I want and - more importantly - stay home when I want. It's amazing. 

image via

And you know what else? I've stopped stressing about my future. I've stopped worrying about finding someone and started resting in the peace that everything is perfect in God's timing. I feel so much more relaxed; at peace. 

Surprisingly, it's the least lonely I've felt in months. I know it's because I've stopped looking at the empty seat next to me every day - hoping someone will sit in it. And instead, have started to embrace how deeply I'm getting to know myself. And someday, the seat will be full again. But I pray that I don't forget this feeling; that even in the darkest hours of loneliness, I will hold on to this feeling of peace. That I will remember that my worth is not from having a plus one, but instead rooted in Christ. 

It's both exciting and relaxing and is taking away my fear of being alone - my fear of having no boy to text or take to a wedding. 

Y'all know I can boogie solo. I hope you don't read this as some congratulatory post to myself ("Good job, Whitney, for going on no dates in six weeks!"). But instead, I hope you see it as one of gratitude. I'm so grateful for the support I've received and the things I've come to understand these last few weeks. I went into this season feeling dry - alone and lonely and wanting someone, anyone, to care to know my heart. But alas, I feel in bloom again - knowing deeply, deeply that everything is right in God's timing. 

::Oktoberfest::

Bucket List #85: Helen, GA Oktoberfest.

Done. And done. 

And it did not disappoint. 

The weather was perfect and the quaint town felt miles and miles away from our busy city. It was somehow both slow and bustling with energy, begging us to live in the moment.

We meandered and enjoyed the festive everything, laughing at the lederhosen and business of it all - it almost felt like Disney world. 

We danced and drank beer and ate the saltiest pretzels I ever did taste. We sat by the river and enjoyed the perfect fall weather. 

We made friends with a lady named Amy who just moved here from Minnesota. She sounded like she was fresh out of Bobby's World, donchtaknow. She told us about her boyfriend who moved south for her after five years of dating. They couldn't resist the money, she said!

And so we learned, we're all friends in Helen, just looking to get down with a little fall happiness.

 At the end of the day, we came home happy. Happy to return to our normal city and happy to know this magical world is only an hour away. 

Thank you, miss Helen, for a lovely day.

PS: Atlantans, want details on trip logistics? Email me. Happy to help fellow Okteroberfesters!

on grace and disappointment

A friend of mine recently told me she was bored. 

But here's the thing: she's really busy. She has a robust social calendar. A fulfilling job where she's able to give back to a cause she's passionate about. She has four trips coming up between now and Thanksgiving. Her life is anything but boring.

So why does she feel bored?

It took me back to this winter, when I felt crazy busy, but kept telling my friends I was bored. I sincerely felt bored. But, the truth is, I was not bored, but instead lonely. 

And not lonely because I was alone all the time. I was, in fact, very rarely alone. Keeping my calendar full, my schedule busy. Running from one event to the next, feet never touching the ground. No, I was never alone, but I still felt lonely.

On one particularly frustrating day, I told another friend I was bored. As I said it my voice cracked and I almost started to cry. She looked at me for a minute and asked if I really felt bored, or if I felt lonely? I told her I didn't feel lonely - I was never alone. 

She told me, very carefully: You feel lonely because you don't feel known. 

I wasn't bored. I wasn't alone. But I was lonely, because I felt like a puzzle piece in the world's biggest one million piece puzzle. I felt like a wave in an ocean. We were all moving together, but where were we going? And would anyone notice if I went another direction? 

Sometimes I think in our 20s, whether single, married or dating someone, we can feel very alone. Half of the time we don't know who we are - so how can we even begin to explain it to someone else? Some days I wake up so sure of myself, positive I am making the right choices, going the right direction. But other days I wake up panicked, uncertain. What am I doing with my life? Should I live here, go there? Am I saving enough money? And don't I deserve to indulge sometimes, too? And what about my future, my life plan, my ovaries?

How can we expect others to know us when we're swirling with questions, too? 

But I think we need to give ourselves more grace. Guys, we're just doing our best! And that's great. We have time to figure out all of these answers - they will begin to fall into place. But until then, not everything has to feel perfect, every day.

I was recently talking to a friend about a revelation she'd had. She said: and then I realized, it's OK to admit I'm a little disappointed by this phase of life. 

What? I made her repeat that sentence.

Disappointed by this phase of life.

Interesting. I'd never thought of saying anything like that.

I'm not always rainbows and butterflies, but I definitely see my glass half full. To characterize an entire season of life as "disappointing" felt extreme to me.

But she went on to explain it. It's not that this phase is a failure. It is not that she's angry or unhappy. But, on the whole, she'd say she expected more from it. She thought she'd be married by now, probably with a baby. Or, at the very least, if she was still unwed, she thought she'd have a higher paying job and bigger title (possibly international travel on the docket?). 

She is not disappointed in herself. She's doing her best - giving her all. But she's ready for the next phase. And you know what else? She's a little lonely. And sometimes she feels sad. And she reminded me that it is OK to feel this way. 

I needed that reminder. I think sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to figure it out. I'm sad. Why? I am frustrated. Why? I am nervous. Why, why, why?

But maybe, sometimes it's OK to admit that we're just feeling something because we're real, and our emotions are raw, constantly changing. And that we need grace. We need time to figure things out. We might feel lonely today and like the king of the jungle tomorrow. And that is so, so OK. We don't have to know everything. We just have to do our best and be there for one another when we feel lonely. Because, as I told my friend this week, we are far from alone. In fact, we're all in this big world together.

vegan pumpkin hot chocolate {recipe}

You guys already know I love chocolate milk a million times over. 

But also, did you know, I love pumpkin so, so much?

Because I do. I really do.

Last weekend I decided to make El Duke and El SamSam these cookies. That's not what I'm here to tell you about today, but while I have your attention: make those cookies. They're crazy good and anytime I can get a fruit (/basically almost a vegetable) in a cookie is a time I can feel 100 percent OK with eating the whole batch in one weekend. Which, we did.  

However, today I need to tell you about something even better than those cookies (which is saying a lot). It is the marriage of two of my most favorite things:  

the chocolate beverage 

+

pumpkin

=

pumpkin hot chocolate

Did I mention it's vegan?

It's vegan. 

You guys.

I can't even. 

I don't even know how to tell you how quickly you need to run to the kitchen and make this stuff. 

Here's what you're going to need to do for my version (inspired by this one, but obviously I couldn't just follow her instructions. That would be way too easy.)

Ingredients:

2 C. almond milk (this is my fav, fav kind, btw. If you've yet to try it - get to trying! 

PS Am I bossy today?)
2 C. of water (add more if it tastes too rich)

1/4 C. pumpkin (canned is fine)

3/4 tsp. pumpkin pie spice

3 T unsweetened cocoa

4 T agave

Dash of salt

To make:

Put everything in pot on stove top on medium heat

Whisk until blended and liquefied

Pour in favorite mug 

...and enjoy :)

Told ya it was easy - and tasty!

Let me know if you try it :) 

PS Don't be mad but I poured mine over ice. I had to. It was amaze.
PPS I also added some of the leftovers to my coffee yesterday.
PPPS Next time I am going to try it with vanilla and make a latte because I mostly prefer it to chocolate.

OK that's all,  promise. 

recipe via // hot chocolate image via