hi, from africa!

October 21, 2013 Whitney Saxon

Well, hello! I have a minute of service today and just wanted to say hi really quickly. I'm overloaded with thoughts and am stunned by the things I'm seeing. I'm also completely in love with this sweet pie I met, Happy. She was happy. And beautiful. I can't wait to share more. Happy week to you! Xo.

trusting your gut // even when it's hard: courtney smith

October 21, 2013 Whitney Saxon

Hi friends! Today marks the beginning of awesome guests posts. Up first is my sister, Courtney! After that, you'll hear from my sister Ashley, a few of my friends and some awesome fellow bloggers! Be sure to check back to read more from them!

It is an absolute honor to contribute to Whitney's amazing blog. I learn so much from her wisdom and beautiful writing every time I read her posts. I do not have the eloquence she possesses, but I am excited to be able to write a post during her absence. (side note from whitney: that is not true - she's amazing :))

I have always known I have wanted to be a mother.

Growing up, when anyone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say, "I want to be a ________ (teacher/doctor/nurse/artist)" but would think in my head, "I just really want to be a mom."

Mothering was modeled beautifully by our mom and I know that Ash, Whit and I all have a strong mothering desire deep within our souls.

Several years after Ryan and I had been married, we decided we would begin the journey of having babies. We felt ready and excited. And then a year passed with no pregnancy. My self worth and sense of identity started to crumble and I felt inadequate as a wife. Thankfully, after much patience and prayer, we were able to get pregnant and welcomed our daughter and then a son into the world.

In 2010, we were overjoyed when we became pregnant a third time. We were thrilled to be so blessed to be expecting another precious child and went into the pregnancy with much joy and thankfulness.

At my 12 week ultrasound, our obstetrician found a concerning second sack next to the baby. He originally thought that perhaps it had been a twin that had not survived and wanted to see me again in a week.

Being an optimist, I asked if I could still run (to which he said definitely no) and I walked away feeling a slight twinge of worry, but not accepting the gravity of our situation.

A week later we went back in to see him. The sack had not dissipated at all and he noted it was as large as the sack our sweet baby was in. He concluded that I had had a large hemorrhage that had contained itself. I was again told to be cautious in my activity, but he hoped that with time it might dissolve.

On New Year's Eve, we were celebrating with friends when I began to have the most intense contractions. I was 17 weeks along in my pregnancy and was absolutely not willing to allow myself to believe I was in labor. I gritted my teeth through the evening and immediately got into bed when we got home and prayed all night that things would stop.

The next morning, I awoke sore from a night of contractions that had felt like my insides were ripping apart. My optimistic resolve was starting to fade, but I was not willing to admit to myself that worry and fear were creeping into my heart.

Over the course of the next 10 weeks, I lived through a cycle of contractions followed by horrible hemorrhaging. As the days crept on, I got weaker and weaker as I lost more and more blood. We prayed day by day that this little one would hang on and that we could make it much further.

And each day as I saw my OB, got iron and blood transfusions, and clung to our baby's life, I started to realize the seriousness of what was occurring. I knew in my gut that things were going horribly wrong, but also knew that for our baby's sake, I had to hold on for as long as I possibly could.

As the weeks went on, it became more and more clear that we were not going to make it to term. What had initially begun as a prayer to have the hemorrhage disappear, became a prayer to make it into week 30. Many people kept insisting that I go on bed rest, or start mag sulfate, or get another medical opinion. But, my gut was telling me that if we allowed ourselves to be hospitalized, they would deliver our baby too soon. I knew that each day that passed was critical for our baby's development. So, as long as I was not dying, I wanted to press on for as long as possible.

And then, after a night of never even making it to bed due to such severe hemorrhaging, I knew it was time to listen to my gut again.

I called my OB and asked to have my blood work checked. Immediately after the results came in, we were admitted to the community hospital. Then hours later transferred by ambulance to the larger academic hospital. As soon as we made it to the room, the OB's rushed in and said it was time for a c-section. I burst into tears and begged them to give us more time. Ryan asked them to check my blood work once more and see if we could give our baby a few more days to receive steroids. Thankfully, they agreed and we were able to make it through the night.

The next day, things seemed quieter and we started to have hope that I could possibly stay in the hospital for a few weeks allowing our baby to incubate a bit longer. Although I was getting weaker and weaker, our baby seemed stable inside me.

On the Monday morning, Ryan got up to go round on his patients a few floors below me. And suddenly, I awoke to a contraction unlike any other I've ever experienced. I tried to tough it out for a few minutes before calling him and asking him to quickly come back. I prayed and asked the Lord what I was meant to do, and knew without doubt, that it was time. I knew that it was time for our baby to be welcomed into the world. I called for help and was immediately rushed to the operating room.

Once there, it became clear that my I was in DIC and that my placenta was no longer able to sustain our baby's life. Our sweet Crosby was delivered at 27 weeks and weighed 2 lbs 6 oz.

The months that followed were traumatic and stressful and some of the hardest days we have lived through. But, we felt so very supported by friends and family. The love of the Lord was so very real to us in those 10 weeks in the NICU and His presence was palpable.

When I look back on the months prior to Crosby's birth, I am overwhelmed by all that we went through. And I am also overwhelmed by how much I knew to listen to my gut.

I knew when many were pushing us to be admitted, that it was not time. If we had been admitted earlier, I am sure they would have delivered him and his outcome would not have been so favorable. I am thankful I felt peace in listening to my gut.

And when I knew I could no longer sustain the pregnancy, I am so thankful I felt led to call out for help. Although I did not want to listen to my gut, I knew in my soul that it was time. Had we waited even hours longer, we could have lost our precious baby.

Looking back on the winter of 2011, I am amazed by how we knew when to carry on and when to cry out for help. And I realize that this was not me listening to my gut, but rather the Lord leading us through those very dark days. He held my hand as I contracted through nights alone. He gave me peace as I endured weak and painful days. He was my Rock and my Comforter through it all. He loves me so very much and had a perfect and beautiful plan for the start of Crosby's life.

Although that period was the most difficult phase of my life, I knew He was always by my side. And that is the best feeling I will ever have in my gut.

Read more of Courtney's posts on her blog, Z'ville to C'ville

goodbye america! {africa bound}

October 17, 2013 Whitney Saxon

Lately my life has felt like one big thank you note. A constant stream of gratitude - so thankful for the way people have prayed, donated money, supplies and time.

Grateful for my friend Christina, who insisted she bring over the biggest pack in America (90 L!) last night, even though she was already home, showered and tucking her baby in bed.

For the baby clothes and DSLR camera Courtney sent me to have on the trip, hoping I could connect with the kids while I'm there.

For the way Duke and Sam came over to say goodbye and decided right then and there to take the shoes off their feet and put them in my pack. Quite literally the hands and feet of Christ.

For the advice Ashley gave me before I go - knowing my sensitive heart and the way I can become overwhelmed by the need to fix everything right now.

Just love the person in front of you. Be present with them and love them the best you can

is what she told me.

For the love, financial support and advice my parents have poured out on me. Reminding me to get cash, send them my itinerary and print my traveler's insurance. The way they know me well enough to know all the baby clothes in the world would be in my bag but a toothbrush for me? Always a chance that might get overlooked.

For the way you have all worn my bracelets, sharing them with your friends, asking them to help. They way you have literally carried me to this point.

For the fact that I feel actually

stressed

writing this post because I know there is absolutely no way I could thank everyone in this one little spot. Truly the words you've given me, prayers you've placed over the trip and donations you've made have moved me beyond words. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish there was a bigger word than thank you because I'd say it 1,000 times.

But there isn't. So I just have to tell you:

thank you so much.

I leave this afternoon and feel ready. Packed. Excited. It's time.

I've tried not to look up anything about Uganda before I go, which is highly unlike me, but also strategic. I don't want to know details about the country. I don't want to have expectations because too often I get my expectations too high up. I don't want to go into this trip mentally prepared for what I will get to do and see. I just want to go and do and be.

And although I've already asked for more than enough, if you're still willing, I'd greatly appreciate it if you would....

Pray

that I can show people Christ. That I go and do whatever it is I am supposed to do over there. That I stay present and love abundantly, without fear or worry. That my time in Uganda is used well.

Pray

that I don't feel anxious about not exercising for two weeks. That I embrace the physical rest I know my body will need during such a mentally and emotionally exhausting trip. That I not let the ugly thoughts of not being enough without running seep into my brain and cloud my time in Africa. That I fully, fully embrace being in the moment.

Pray

for safe travels and living fully in God's plan. That I be used for a purpose while I'm there.

And with that, off I go! Thank you, thank you!

Love,

Whitney

PS I have awesome bloggers lined up to post while I'm gone so be sure to check back over the next few weeks. They'll be blogging about a time they trusted their guts since that is, after all,

exactly how I landed myself on a plane to Africa

. They're awesome people - be sure to give them good love. XO

arugula and basil pesto // recipe

October 16, 2013 Whitney Saxon

The magical thing about having a CSA is you have veggies all.the.time. I barely even have to go to the grocery! And this week, my box was full, full, most notably with some serious greens.

Because I can no longer shop in the garden of Howden (aka my uncle's backyard), pesto isn't quite as easy to make. Why they charge so much for basil is really beyond me.

However, this week my CSA came with both lots of greens AND pine nuts.

You know what I'm thinking, don't you?

A mixed greens pesto!

Obviously.

Because I don't know what to do with pine nuts other than put them in pesto.

Here's how it went down: