the biggest lessons of my 20s

On Sunday, I was leading my summer discipleship group, which, honestly, sometimes I feel like they're teaching me more than I'm teaching them, and they asked me what the biggest lesson of my 20s has been. 

There are hundreds, was my first thought.

This decade has shaped me and changed me in ways I never could have imagined when I graduated college. I have shed more tears, laughed harder and found more adventure than I ever could have dreamed of. I have experienced happiness and sorrow that my heart couldn't have fathomed at 22.

{Here I am at 16 with my sisters. So young, so unaware of what this life would bring!}

There are officially five (!) weeks until I turn 29. The fast approaching birthday is putting pressure on me in a different way than I anticipated. I expected to feel worried that I'm not engaged or married or pregnant or a home owner. But instead, I feel pressure to make the most of the last 365 days of my 20s. This decade has been so important, special and beautiful. I want the last year to reflect all it has meant to me and do my 20s justice.

I'm not sure, exactly, how I will make that happen.

However, I thought I'd share the best lessons I've learned from my 20s as we near 29. I'll post one each week for the next five weeks. And then, I'll turn 29! :)

One of the greatest things I've learned in my 20s has actually been something I've begun to practice in the last few months:

Assume people have good intentions. 

When someone says something that gives you pause
Or sends a text that is standoffish
When someone forgets to call you
Or a store associate is less than friendly

Instead of assuming these people are out to get you or intending to hurt you, assume they have good intentions. Give them grace. Don't assume the "OK." text meant "That's the worst idea ever." Instead assume that they mean that what you said was OK.

In doing this, I've learned to feel less like a victim and less like the day-to-day things that happen are dramatic. The cashier didn't hate me. Instead, she was having a bad day and didn't want to be at work. Or perhaps she was really tired. The curt emails have become less about me and more about the person sending them.

Because, after all, most of the time, how people treat us has a lot more to do with them than it does us. 

Assume that the people of this world are good and kind. You might find yourself surprised at how often you are right.

If you are in a relationship where someone is emotionally or verbally abusive, unkind, treats you poorly or any other instance that is harmful to you, please do not employ this tactic. This is something that should be used in healthy, whole relationships. 

Five Facts from a Guy {about recognizing when you’ve found the right person} #9

Happy Five Facts Friday, friends!

This week, we're hearing from William, who just proposed to my cousin, Allie, last Friday :) I am so happy to call him her fiancé as I introduce him on my blog! He's sharing about how you know when you've found the one, which is especially timely in his life.

And, in case you've missed the other Five Facts from a Guy Friday posts, read them here.

{Allie & William live in Santa Monica, which is way, way too far away. But really fun to visit :)}

1. The truer you are to yourself, the closer you grow.  Everybody puts on a front in the early stages of dating and a relationship.  It’s only natural that you want to present the best version of yourself.  Over time you get more comfortable letting down your guard and showing your true colors.  With the right person, your weirdness and idiosyncrasies will bring you closer together.  Several previous posts have mentioned men want ladies to be true to themselves, to wear less makeup rather than more, to show us your weirdness.  In the right relationship, the more you let the other person in, the more intimacy you will build, and the more fun you will have together.

2. You need the same amount of each others' time, or at least understand your differences.  This one is huge.  A relationship that is unbalanced in terms of how much time each partner wants and needs to spend with the other will be immensely difficult.  A person’s need for their own time and space can vary dramatically, as can their need for time together with their significant other.  Needing your own time and space doesn’t mean you love the other person any less, but people sometimes need to be by themselves to collect their thoughts and recharge.  There is no worse feeling than thinking your partner doesn’t want to spend time with you, and that’s why this is such an important issue.  Understanding each other’s needs in these departments is crucial for a happy and fulfilling relationship where you can be comfortable in spending time together while also getting your important alone time to recharge.

3. You both work together for the relationship.  Let’s get super cliché here for a quick second.  Relationships are hard work, and it’s important that you are both working on the relationship together.  Some people have a tendency to get complacent in relationships.  I certainly have in the past.  But really, when a relationship is right, you both enjoy growing together, and that is not always a smooth process.  There will be bumps and challenges and obstacles along the way, and knowing that you have a teammate who will proactively work through these challenges with you makes these growing pains much more manageable and part of the adventure.  When you’ve found someone you work well with and you share the commitment to put in the work a relationship takes, you will find the things life throws at you that are pitfalls for other relationships become much smoother in yours.

4. Their people become your people and it’s awesome.  One of the most fun parts of a relationship is getting to know your partner through other people in their lives.  As a relationship progresses you meet the friends and the family and the high school friends and the extended family, and it’s a great way to discover all sorts of things you wouldn’t otherwise have known about that person.  When a relationship is right, this is a really fun process.  You feel your friend network double as you meet people for the first time who you’ve heard countless stories about and are fast friends.  You gain an extended family that cares for you and you think hopefully might not be as crazy as your own.  Who a person surrounds themselves with speaks volumes about that person, and being embraced by and embracing the people in your partner’s life is a wonderful feeling and a great sign you’ve found the right person.

5. The right person inspires you to be your best, for both of you.  Part of what makes relationships difficult is that we are constantly changing.  Interests and passions ebb and flow as do a person’s priorities.  This is a huge part of why relationships take work – to be sure they evolve with the changes to your personalities and lives together.  The right partner will challenge and inspire you to grow and excel outside of your comfort zone as your lives together grow.  You should return the favor by challenging and inspiring them, and also by striving to be your best so you can be the best possible partner.  At the end of the day, your relationship will be as strong as the two of you work to make it, and by challenging each other to be the best version of yourselves and committing to work towards this end, you will give your relationship the best chance to succeed.  If you’ve found a person who will share this commitment with you, never let them go!

five truths about friendship in your 20s

One of the trickier balances I've discovered in my 20s is

the female friendship

. You transition from besties-living-in-the-tiniest-spaces-doing-everything-together to, oftentimes, cross-country friends who are living different lives and struggling to find time for a quick phone call.

And, when you do have a super tight friendship with a single girl friend, when one of you gets a boyfriend, it can often feel like you go from being her stand-in significant other to a side piece.

Friendships in your 20s are tough. They change constantly and require a balance of grace and understanding as we navigate this decade.

{circa 1992 with my cousins, Becca & Allie}

Although I haven't figured it all out, here's what the last six years in my 20s have taught me about friendship after college.

1.

It's OK to be different from each other

. In college, my friends and I were all similar. We liked to spend our weekends the same way, had similar schedules and shared a lot of the same values. As we've gotten older, these things have changed - along with so many other aspects of our lives. Along the way I've learned that this is OK. In fact, it's wonderful. By having different thoughts and opinions, we provide one another different perspective and keep each other grounded. If we all believed and thought the same way, life would be super boring.

2.

Things are going to change.

And that is OK, too. I tend to crave physical change, but mourn emotional change. I want everybody to be as close as we can possibly be,

forever and ever

. But, in my 20s, I've learned that as life changes, our friendships sort of go through a sifter. And different aspects fall through. What you have left, though, is the stuff that really matters from each friendship.

3.

Make new friends, but keep the old

was the right approach after all

. That song you sung in Girl Scouts when you were little was right. As you make new friends, you allow yourself to grow and your life to change. That doesn't mean your old friends are less valuable, it just means your circle has grown.

4.

Not everybody will care about the same things

.

When I was in Africa

, we were preparing to leave for home and something

Bob Goff

told us was to be wise about what we shared with people. He said not everyone will connect with or care about your stories and, after experiencing something so sensitive and life changing, it's important to protect yourself from that. I've realized a lot of things in our 20s can be this way. Life can rock you and shake you and it's important to realize that some people might not understand why you make certain decisions. Share the most important details with your closest confidantes, who will be sensitive with your heart.

5.

Don't let go of the ones that matter

. My mom always tells me I'm lucky to have made once in a lifetime friendships more than once this lifetime. And she's right. When you find those people, cling tightly to them. You'll find that during some seasons, it will take more work to do this than others. But make the phone call, send the email and book the flight. Little efforts often make the biggest differences in our friendships.

Happy Wednesday, friends!

folly beach bach

Hello and happy Monday! I'm back from a quick trip to Folly Beach for Katie's bachelorette! I posted a few snaps below.

Sara and I planned the bachelorette party together as co-maids of honor. We had so much fun creating favors together and wanted to leave the weekend largely unplanned. We spent most of the time on the beach or by the pool, which was great for me - especially as I was still recovering from being sick.

{Flamingo floats to hold our tumblers up in the pool!}

{Bachelorette party survival kits for each girl. We stocked them with koozies, Pirate's Booty, La Croix, sunglasses, Burt's Bees chapstick, Emergen-C (lots of girls in a small space!), Aloe, Advil & a mini bottle}

We also attempted to remake this cute bridal party mugshot collage. Sans a professional photographer, ours didn't turn out quite the same. :) But, for your viewing pleasure,

I hope your weekend was wonderful!