Five Facts from a Guy #13 {how i knew she was the one}

Happy Friday! I'm at a retreat deep in the woods of south Georgia getting my camp on! Here to check in today is Ray, who married my great friend Jamie. I talked a lot about their relationship after their wedding, but I'm always willing to reiterate again just how much I love them together. Some people just click and everyone around them sees it. That's Jamie and Ray. Today he's talking about he knew she was the one. His post brought tears to my eyes - I love hearing how she knew our girl was his girl. 

And, in case you've missed them, catch up on the previous Five Facts from a Guy posts. (also I know some of my internal back links are broken - the designer who moved my blog said it should be fixed today. Sorry for the delay!)

1. Respect. I do not believe that any relationship can exist without mutual respect, but the respect that I had for her from the start was very different than any other relationship I had been in.

When we met my wife was living at home and teaching in the suburbs. I still shutter at the thought of the few weeks I lived at home after graduation, but as much as I dreaded that experience I respected her for it. When I was the impatient guy that needed to move right to the city and go out 6 nights a week, she was the thoughtful measured girl who lived at home and saved money. While I wanted to go out and act like an animal and spend every penny that I made she was thinking about the long term and doing what was best personally and professionally. I have so often thought about how much more money I would have saved and how many hangovers I would have avoided had I gone that route and the lack of everything that prevented me from doing that I immediately respected in her.

2. Go with the flow. This is not always easy for me and I am pretty regimented in some of my routines and beliefs, but she became a calming presence.

My wife has celiac disease and when we first started dating in 2010 gluten free everything was not nearly as prevalent as it is today. After a few dates we were out in the city and decided to go to lunch. We picked a place with a cool patio and great food, sat down and she ordered…a salad. It was the only thing she could eat on the whole menu! I was mortified and felt awful, but she just shrugged it off and went with it. I could have never reacted with the ease that she did and since day one she has been a calming presence for me and my anxiety.

3. I wanted to be better. It is a little thing and we all have many superficial concerns when we are dating someone, new or not so new, but for me I started to think about the more substantial improvements that I could make in my life personally and professionally and it was no longer just about what I wanted.

When Jamie and I met I was in a pretty comfortable job and doing really well, but it was not challenging and I felt kind of stuck in neutral professionally. I had a level of comfort and freedom that kept me where I was, but that fall when I got my “raise” I thought, there is no way I could ever support a family if I stay on this track. It was no longer just about my own goal setting; my professional goals had become bigger than just myself and I was starting to think about what I could do to build the best foundation for us, not just me.

4. Subconsciously thinking long term. I am not talking about planning a vacation for next spring, but in the back of my head I started contemplating timelines. Serious timelines.

It was not that I was actively planning out every detail of my life, but I started to consider how long we were together, how old I would be when we got married, how old I would be before we decided to have kids, and the list went on and on. I was imagining major milestones in my life and she was a part of all of them. I stopped short of naming these hypothetical children, but I will admit that I was concerned about them have celiac disease and whether or not I would ever be able to have a beer with my hypothetical son. And then, the most startling thing that when I stopped and thought about what I had just imagined none of it seemed weird at all. And I was happy.

5. Just look at her. From the very first time we met I was laughing and admiring her and it has not stopped.

The first night we met there was a large group of us around my kitchen island taking shots, but Jamie, thinking she was crafty, ran 10 feet over to the sink and dumped hers out and then pretended to take it. When she turned around I was staring at her and we both began cracking up. The laughter turned into a serious discussion about teaching and working with kids and her passion was so obvious and I could tell that these kids really meant something to her. I was laughing, I was attracted, and I was hooked.

We were dating for about three months before I attended a wedding with Jamie in Naperville and met her parents. Since Jamie was in the wedding party and was off taking pictures, her mom took the time to introduce me to some of their family. After introducing me as “Jamie’s friend” three or four times she threw in the towel and started introducing me as “Jamie’s boyfriend”. I didn’t react or argue I just went with it.

Later that night at the wedding I told Jamie that her mom had started introducing me as her boyfriend and there was a look of shock and “oh god what do I do?!?” on her face. I smiled and told her that, I guess, it was accurate and she saved us the trouble of the whole drawn out conversation. When she smiled back and me with her eyes lit up then it was I who threw in the towel because I knew that I was toast and this was it.

advice to someone one year younger

Last week I watched (via Cup of Jo) this awesome video: How to Age Gracefully; Advice from Someone One Year Older. It brought tears to my eyes as the people in it aged and shared wisdom to those younger than them. 

It got me thinking about things I didn't know when I was younger. Not because someone forgot to teach me or because I was clueless (*I mean, I probably was that, too), but because there are certain situations in life when only time can teach us what we need to know. 

I reflected on the last decade or so, and here are the things I wish I'd known:

Dear 16 year old: You are really, really lovely. You might not always think it but, it's true. If you forget it, ask your mom. 

Dear 18 year old: College is going to be really fun. But it's also going to be harder, emotionally, than people might tell you. Don't worry, you will adjust.

Dear 20 year old: I know you thought you were going to marry him, but, I promise, there is someone better. First love doesn't mean last love. 

Dear 22 year old: A bajillion things are going to change in your life over the next six years. Enjoy them. Embrace them. You will look back and be so grateful that life isn't the same at 28 as it was at 22. (Even if life feels awesome today.)

Dear 24 year old: 25 is not old. Seriously. It's not. 

Dear 26 year old: Not all your friends are married. I know it feels that way. But you're not getting left behind. Just taking a road less traveled. Enjoy it. 

Dear 28 year old: 30 is still two years away. Don't think too much about it. Just keep doing you.

The Greatest Lessons from My 20s {part 5}

This post is part of a five-week series, The Greatest Lessons from my 20s. During the five weeks leading up to my 29th birthday, I'll be discussing the greatest lessons this decade has taught me. Read the most recent post, which is Not to Make Ourselves Smaller here.  

image via

Years ago, someone told me to "kill my dreams," which, at the time, I thought was just about the saddest thing I'd ever heard. Kill my dreams?

As I've gotten older, though, I've begun to understand what they meant. It wasn't a cynical-your-dreams-will-never-come-true attitude. Instead, what they were telling me was to stop living in the what I wish was happening and start living in the now. 

At the time, I was really struggling with how different the life I thought I was going to have by 26 looked compared to reality. I was single, living in an apartment in Atlanta, working a 9 to 5. The dreams I'd cultivated at 10 years old and gripped with iron fists, refusing to relinquish any part of them, were killing me. So, a friend told me to kill them. Let go of the husband, two babies and life as a stay at home mom I thought I'd have. And instead, make new dreams.

Dream about the tomorrow that may really come true, instead of the tomorrow that was slowly slipping away. Dream big and hard, but don't torture yourself with dreams that aren't meant for you. 

Killing those dreams and creating new ones has been, without a doubt, one of the greatest lessons of this decade. The thought of marrying Chris, having gotten to live in the same house at my brothers for the last two years, and pursuing a career in coaching lights me up. These things are what success at 28 has been for me, in my life.

Ten-year-old Whitney maybe would not have thought so. But, by 28 I know and believe that life's dreams aren't meant to be dictated by a younger version of myself. Something I practice a lot is not comparing my current self to my old self. So, I don't compare the way my body looks at 28 to the way it did at 18. That's just unfair to myself. And I don't compare my face at 28 to 16. Because my skin has obviously changed. And that would be unfair, too. In the same way, I refuse to compare my dreams at 28 to dreams I cultivated at a younger age.

Because today is beautiful and it's worth living. It deserves for us to be wholly & fully present, living deeply in the moment and dreaming brightly about the future. 

So, that's what the last nine years, in all their glory, have taught me. Next stop, 29!

Five Facts from a Guy #12 {about 20-something dating}

Happy Friday, little friendreaders! I'm checking in from Charleston today, where I'm spending the weekend with my mama. We're drinking coffee, exploring this sweet town and being friends, so, for you is another round of Five Facts from a Guy. 

This week's comes from Kevin, who is engaged to my dear friend Maggie. Kevin and Maggie met, fell in love and got engaged quickly and, I heard it all from her perspective throughout the last year and a half. It was so much fun reading about the relationship from his perspective. It made me so happy! And, I loved his advice on 20-something dating.

And, in case you've missed them, catch up on the previous Five Facts from a Guy posts.

Maggie and I were in Jamie's wedding together in June. A few of the bridesmaids' dates couldn't attend the wedding, so Kevin was the stand-in for all three of us. He definitely got the best dancer award :)

Happy reading, happy Friday!

1. Timing is everything. In my view, ambitious young professionals in their early to mid-20s make poor boyfriends and girlfriends, particularly in an urban setting. This formative stage in our lives is often characterized by long hours in the office, financial stress from budgeting an entry level salary, postgraduate academic pursuits, family commitments, and a crowded social calendar. Wondering where sleep and exercise fit into the equation? Me too. It’s a time in our lives when we tend to behave selfishly in order to balance all of our obligations and establish our careers.

I’m no relationship expert, but I don’t think “behaving selfishly” is one of the qualities an expert would attribute to a healthy relationship. That’s not to say don’t date or have intimate relationships at this time in your life, because looking back, it was a great time (for me, at least) to learn. Just don’t be surprised if you don’t always feel like a priority in your significant other’s life. More importantly, if your relationships seem to always come to an unceremonious ending, don’t worry, because the right time, and ultimately the right person, is worth waiting for (to be continued in #5).

2. Boys will be boys. Let’s be honest, boys never grow up. We still drink too much, too often, laugh at the same jokes we thought were funny in high school, and are perfectly content to spend all day Sunday on the couch watching NFL Redzone and checking our fantasy teams. But there is a critical inflection point at which we achieve the emotional maturity to hold up our end of the relationship bargain.

We stop blowing you off to go out drinking with the boys 2 or 3 times a week. We recognize a handwritten card to celebrate a special occasion goes a long way. We learn date night means going out to a respectable establishment and having a meaningful conversation. And what’s more, we might finally have the disposable income to pay for some nice things. This happens at a different time for everyone, but for me, it was around age 26 or 27.

3. Shut up and listen. My fiancée told me that one of the first things she noticed about me was how well I listened to her. I didn’t rush to interject or judge the things she was saying. I let her speak until she felt she explained herself well, reflected on what she said, and then responded thoughtfully. She once told me that it was from our early interactions that she gained the trust that now serves as the cornerstone of our relationship.

I believe listening is a skill, perhaps the most important skill in a relationship, and like all skills, it takes time to practice and develop. But, also like all skills, some guys are better than others, and some will never learn. You are best served to avoid guys who don’t listen to you from the outset if you are looking for a meaningful relationship.

4. Other areas of your life start to improve. When I started dating my fiancée, I started to experience unprecedented success in other areas of my life, and I don’t think it was a coincidence. I completed a grueling 3-year process to earn a professional designation, I bought my first home, I achieved an ownership stake in my company, and my relationships with friends and family were stronger than ever.

While there is always a bit of luck involved in all of life’s successes, I attribute much of my good fortune to how optimistic my world view became once I found a healthy relationship with a woman I truly love. I spent the first 5 or 6 years of my post-college life as a cynic, always quick to point out what was wrong with the world and everybody in it. Not to say that a healthy level of skepticism doesn’t have a place in our lives, but optimism often pays off, and it can be hard to be optimistic when you are not in a fulfilling relationship.

5. When you know, you know. Shortly after college, I spent nearly four years in a relationship that never should have happened. The relationship was one of convenience. We met years earlier through mutual friends while still in high school, went to the same college where we hardly talked to each other, but got reacquainted one night in the city after college when we went out with our old high school friends. We both desperately wanted companionship, but went looking for it in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was immature, selfish (see #1 above), and liked the idea of a stable relationship much more than I liked the actual relationship. She was much more mature than me, and for a while probably believed I was “the one,” but 2-3 years into our relationship, cracks started to emerge. We were fundamentally different people and we grew apart. At no point over the course of almost four years did I go ring shopping. The thought never crossed my mind. It wasn’t meant to be.

My experience with my (now) fiancée was completely different. We clicked immediately after being introduced by mutual friends. I had never been so excited as I was for our first date, which started with a Friday afternoon Cubs game, and then led into a bottle of wine looking over Diversey Harbor at the Chicago skyline, and ended with a late dinner at one of her favorite restaurants in the city. The conversation was effortless. There was an immediate comfort level like I had never experienced before. Our relationship took off from that point like a launch pad. She was the one.

What may be apparent as a theme throughout this post and what I am trying to say is be patient. Don’t expect to find the one a couple years after college when you are still trying to find your place in the world. You might be closer to 30 than you would like by the time you find the one, and that’s ok. You will know yourself better, and so will he.