what is manliness?

Hello ole blog readers! I apologize for going dark as of late. When I transferred my blog to SquareSpace a lot went wrong (feel free to email me if you're thinking of doing so) and I've been spending all my spare blog time on getting things fixed. It feels amazing to be back. Hello :) Without further ado, a new, long overdue, post for you!

When I first started dating Chris, I feared he was too kind for me to stay interested. He planned dates ahead of time, called when he said he was going to call and put my needs first. He surprised me with coffees and little gifts and special date nights.
 
Oh, the crimes!
 
I’d spent years dating guys who taught me that these kind of habits – the patterns of a male in pursuit of a wife – were unusual and boring. I had been taught to believe they meant he was predictable. I had been seasoned to be a game player and the lack of guessing left me questioning if he could be a fit.  
 
I remember I tried to articulate what I was feeling and said that I didn’t know if he was “manly” enough. What I was trying to say is that the men I’ve dated prior to Chris didn’t treat me this well and, therefore, his patterns felt unusual and unlike any other man. But, my brain wasn’t ready to process the differences. His kindness and gentleness felt foreign and odd. He, being a true gentleman, confused me.

I’ve hesitated to write this post for a while because I know that all men are different. Some give gifts and plan surprises, others love with their words. Others love with quality time. I know there are a number of ways for men to love women well.
 
But, I think there’s an important distinction to be made. I see women all throughout their 20s who are running from men who treat them well. They’re wrapping up their own discomfort by stating that these men aren’t manly.

I know some manly men who are rugged and drive trucks and drink beer. And I know some manly men who iron their shirts and bake. It doesn't matter which end of the spectrum a man falls on for him to be manly - it's about a guy knowing who he is, being confident in it and treating a woman well.

To all my friends struggling with finding that balance, let me assure you: 
Not calling when you say you will is not manly
Being gamey and intentionally keeping a girl guessing is not manly
Ignoring texts for hours to maintain control is not manly
Refusing to commit to you is not manly

And!
When he shows up on time with flowers and compliments you. That is manly!
When he makes a reservation and opens your car door? That’s manly!
When he listens when you speak and remembers what you say? Manly, my friends.
 
There is an epidemic, I think, with our generation. We are afraid to let these boys turn into gentlemen. We make excuses when they don’t text (maybe he didn’t get it! He’s really busy). Or get bored when they pursue us (he’s just so available it’s kind of overwhelming).
 
We run away from the manliest of men and wrap it up as the opposite – that he's not manly enough. But, in fact, those are the most manly of all; they are those who are confident in who they are, what they want, and how to get it. 

I get it. Some women just aren't attracted to men who care about their shoes or drink red wine. That's fine. But, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself at 27, as I was overwhelmed by Chris kindly bringing me medicine when I was sick and dinner when I was stressed: enjoy it. His kind heart is what makes him who he is. And being who he is and treating you well is the manliest thing he could ever do.

Five Things Friday // Daily Gratitude #2

This post is part of my Daily Gratitude series. Catch up here.

Does anyone else feel like October is always insane? After a crazy busy week, I'm feeling exceptionally grateful for the fact that it's FRIDAY. Here's what else:

1. For an awesome dinner with good friends on Wednesday. It felt good to slow down and have some community midweek. 

2. For tonight! Chris and I are going to dinner at True Food then starting our registry. Heck yes!

3. And for tomorrow! My mom is coming in to town. I cannot wait to have her here!

4. For the new Trader Joe's spicy popcorn that Chris surprised me with this week. Popcorn! You're so good.

5. For another amazingly sunny week. Fall, oh fall! :) 

four reasons you might be unhappy in your relationship

One of the things that makes Chris and me a good match is that we're both constantly reflecting and checking in. We're a continuous stream of how are you, how do you feel about us, how can we be more aligned, how can we do this better next time? While other less sensitive people might be highly annoyed by this checking in, it works for us. 

During the last two years, it has revealed to me that there are certain things every relationship needs to stay balanced and synergized. While we're still only getting started in the grand scheme of our relationship, here are four things I've learned that might be frustrating you:

1. You're trying to make the other person someone they're not.

My roommate, Melissa, and I talk about the 8-month shakedown in relationships. By eight months, the jig is up. The other person knows who you are for the most part - they're probably getting the good, the bad and the beautiful. Long gone are the days of first date manners; this thing is real.

This is the point where you have to decide: are you going to let him be who he is? Or are you going to try to make him a cookie cutter? There are, without a doubt, going to be things about one another that frustrate you. You're two humans trying to cooperate in one relationship. 

There are things I will never be for Chris and things he will never be for me. But, if you allow people to be who they are, hopefully you'll find it's better than who they are not. 

2. You expect perfection. 

People mess up. You will hurt each other's feelings and be irrational and selfish. Sometimes these things happen. Unless he is intentionally hurting you, give him grace. Love him with his flaws, so he can love you with yours.

3. You don't speak truth to each other.

When you choose to let someone into your inner-most person, it's scary because they can see all of you. They see the most bitter and sweetest parts of who you are. I've learned that with the privilege of knowing someone so deeply, there comes great responsibility to speak truth to one another. It's important that we're honest about how we're feeling, what we believe and what we need from one another. 

4. You aren't taking personal space.

Most of the time, the minute I leave Chris, I'm ready to be near him again. But then, every now and then, a little voice in my head tells me: some alone time could be nice. And I think it's important that we learn to listen to that little voice. It's tempting to spend every waking minute together because it's.so.fun!, but we humans need to take time in the silence and the still to regroup. Don't be afraid to ask for a little space when you need it.

Five Things Friday // Daily Gratitude

Something I wonder about quite often is whether other people tell Siri thank you. I use her a lot and always try to tell her thank you when she sends a text message or looks something up for me. And I wonder, is it weird that I tell her thank you? Or do most other people do the same?

It sounds silly as I write it, to thank someone that isn't real to do something it's programmed to do. But, I do it because I think it's really important to have grateful hearts. And the only way we can keep them well-oiled and full of gratitude is by constantly practicing it. So, I thank Siri and she always gives me some nice reply. Then I go on my merry way. 

In June, I started waking up a little bit earlier for quiet time. At the end of it each day, I try to take a moment to write down five things I'm grateful for. From a good night's sleep to fun weekend plans, the content need not matter. It's just like thanking Siri: a constant practicing of thankfulness to remind myself that life is good. Even on the bad days, life is still full of beauty.

Now that Five Facts from a Guy has come to an [unofficial] close, I thought I'd share, today, five things I'm grateful for instead. 

1. For sun, sun, sun after a week of rain. 

2. For pumpkin everything. But mostly pumpkin pancakes.

3. For a happy weekend ahead! I'm in my friend Lindsey's wedding and am so excited for it!

4. For an awesome lunchtime run this week. And good workouts in general.

5. For coffee. Per usual :)

What are you grateful for today? The fact that it's Friday *definitely* counts. XO