when you just want someone to take care of you

"Thank you for the amazing yoga class," I managed to piece together while holding back tears. "I'm on the heels of a bad breakup and coming to your class has helped me so much."

These are the words I fumbled over as I stood in front of my yoga instructor, still sweating from the class. I was awkward as the rest of the students filed out around me, but she was blessedly gracious as she gave me a hug and thanked me for telling her. 

In the weeks after my breakup, I found myself spending a lot of time at Balance Yoga. The classes helped me feel calm in my emotionally chaotic state and the consistency of seeing the same people a few times every week made me feel less lonely. In the moment, it felt important to express how much her classes meant to me. 

I recognize now what I couldn't see then: I wanted someone to care for me. I wanted her to know my story and be gentle with me in my fragile condition. I wanted to be seen and known. 

Although I felt very cared for by my friends and family, most of them were not local. I was yearning for physical touch, eye contact and an earnest listening ear. I was aching to feel like I was part of a community in Atlanta - not just a heartbroken, floundering girl driving down Peachtree. 

I've read a lot of blog posts about the importance of mothering yourself - of owning your self care and giving yourself the grace and compassion so many of our moms show us. I get that and I love it. But sometimes, in our most vulnerable moments, when our mom is far away, we just want someone to give us a hug and tell us everything will be OK. We just want someone to put their hands on our shoulders, look us in the eyes and say: I care. 

I've come to believe, throughout my 20s, that some seasons are for loneliness and some are for abundance. I'd never appreciate the community I have in Atlanta, today, had I not ached and yearned for community for months on end. 

If you find yourself aching, today, for someone who cares, I wanted to remind you that you are loved. You are known. You are beautiful. Your loneliness is valid and it's OK to feel it. But you are not alone. Don't let moments of self-doubt tempt you to settle or lead you to believe that you are not loved.

You are stronger than you think and more loved than you can fathom. Carry on and remember the darkest hour is before the dawn. 

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:26 (Message)

friday feelings

Happy Friday! Here's what I'm feeling today:

Ready for: Core Power Yoga tomorrow with Chris, followed by Cafe Jonah almond milk lattes. Jonah is closing its doors, so we're giving it a niiiice sendoff. Extra large, please!

Wanting to share: This Greatist article about why running doesn't always burn fat.  (I hear this!)

Wondering if: I should sign up for some kind of race. Another Tough Mudder or Triathlon, possibly? Feeling like I want something new to train for (but, of course, while still maintaining a healthy relationship with exercise! It's a careful balance for me, always). 

Eager to: Try Press & Grind! A new coffee shop near my house. Yaay! I guess this weekend calls for two coffee stops. 

Wanting to celebrate: The fact that it is a LEAP year! It's been a while and I think we should celebrate it.

Excited about: Going to Joy Stick game bar for the first time this weekend with friends. 

Counting down: To March 4, when my mom and sisters arrive in ATL for a wedding planning weekend. YAAY!

When Life is Unexpected

My sweet friend Stacy is doing the calligraphy for our wedding invitations and recently came over to show me a handful of options. We sat on my dining room floor, shuffling between 20 different styles she'd created, trying to determine our favorites. 

I laughed as I went to get our invitations from my room - they were sitting in a beat up box, on a shelf in the back of my closet. When you think about glamorous wedding invitations - the beautiful paper, calligraphy and stamps - you don't exactly envision them collecting dust in the back of someone's little Virginia-Highland rental. 

I told Stacy that this has been one of the most unexpected parts of wedding planning. In my baby dreams, on some level, I thought that my life would pause when I got engaged. I didn't think about the fact that I'd still have a job, a lot of stuff to do and the normal highs and lows of life. I thought about the glamour of dress shopping, selecting the band and the pretty flowers. I thought about the rings and cake and dancing. 

But, as we've planned during the last five months, I've come to realize that wedding planning is about so much more than planning a wedding. Chris and I have grown deeper in our relationship with one another and with the Lord. We've had amazing conversations in premarital counseling, overturning parts of our pasts we've never touched with anyone else. We've learned to rely on one another in a new way. I feel God working between us, drawing us closer and guiding us. 

Last week, we went to dinner on a ScoutMob Sun in My Belly deal. We ordered a glass of wine, chatted with the two elderly women on the bench next to us and then got down to business writing on the paper table cloth. What did we want our lives to look like in 10 years? And 5? How about 2? We wrote down baseline needs, smallest wishes and biggest dreams. 

In that moment I thought that if I had a little journal where I wrote down happy memories between Chris and me (which, I should!), I would write this one down. Because, like wedding planning, sometimes you think things are going to be more glamorous than they really are. But, when it comes down to it, you're mapping out your life with a 50 percent off coupon and the pen you snagged when the couple next to you paid their check. It might not be quite as fancy or perfect as you anticipated, but it turns out to be better. 

The moment reminded to keep my hands open during this season. It can be so easy to white knuckle the plans we had for our lives - refusing to relinquish control. But, the more I allow myself to kill those dreams to make room for new ones, the more I realize there was a better plan for me all along. My expectations might have looked different for 29, or wedding planning, or living in Atlanta or my job (or any area of life), but the more I make room for God to move, the more I'm overcome with joy and gratitude. 

oh, hello!

Happy February, friends!

I wanted to do a little check with life updates. 

At the start of the year, I told you I was going to do themed months this year. Well, that has changed. :) It was part of a blogger challenge to try to grow your brand and connect with your audience. But, said challenge was not for me. I felt too confined and creatively stifled. I'm glad I tried it and glad to be free flowing again. 

The truth is, I've never kept up with trends as well as I could as the blogosphere has evolved - I know it could be much more of a business if I marketed better and tracked my analytics. But, one of my themes this year is respecting myself enough to set boundaries. And, my blog needs to continue to be something I simply do for fun to fit into this season of life. 

So, I'm just going to keep on blogging to blog and enjoying my little corner of the internet. :)

In other news, my a-ma-zi-ng sisters threw me a bachelorette party on Anna Maria Island a few weeks ago. I had an incredible time with my dear friends. The weather was unusually cold, which meant we spent a lot of time heart to hearting as we bundled up in Turkish towels, drank coffee and chased the ray of sun as it danced around our back porch. In other words, it was the perfect weekend. I'm honored to my core they all made the effort to travel to celebrate as Chris and I prepare for marriage. 

Speaking of which, wedding planning is going swimmingly. I can't believe we are less than 4 months away! We are currently trying to select reception chairs and a cake. Essentially: where shall you sit and what shall you eat when you take a break from dancing? We're also working on our first dance, which is muuuch easier for Chris than me - my dance skills aren't exactly my greatest strength.

To sign off, a few things I'm loving lately:

• Itching to try this vegan white chocolate smoothie 
• This swimmie + this bag are making me yearrrn for spring (as if I wasn't already)
• This post from Life of Charmings made me happy. It's the little things!
• I'm finishing the book Orange is the New Black and have loved it. The show wasn't for me but the book has been a great read. I've learn so much!

That's all for now! Happy February!