Do The Thing You've Been Talking About Doing

I mentioned that in October, Chris and I got disappointing news. We'd held on to hope that something was going to happen this winter and it was taken away swiftly one afternoon. We were both sad, but, as I sat with it, I told Chris I felt like we'd been playing Twister. We'd been putting our hands on red and blue and our feet all the way across the board on green and yellow. We were tangled up, trying to touch all the dots on the board. 

When we got the news, I felt like God was saying: Hey guys, I've been asking you to put your hands and feet on green this whole time, but you're not trusting me. You don't believe that just green will be enough for you. 

I've noticed, lately, that we do this a lot in life. We try to do everything, all the time. We ignore it when we're being called to go all in on something, wondering if maybe, just maybe, we can hold on to everything at once.

It reminds me of when I knew God was asking me to take a break from dating, but I felt so scared. I tried to bargain, wondering if I could sort of take a break, but maybe sort of still be dating, too. 

image via

But, I've learned that when we actually go all in on the thing we're being asked to do, the results are so much sweeter. When I finally quit dating, I met Chris. Was it hard? Yes! Was it scary? Oh yeah. But did I miss the red and blue dots on the Twister board once I finally put my hands on green? Not for a second. 

I don't know what you're being called to do today. Maybe it's at work, maybe it's time to finally get out of that bad relationship. I don't know what's tugging on your heart, leaving you feeling scattered and stretched too thin. But I do know that, every time I've listened to the quiet, inner voice, leading me toward something, I haven't regretted it. 

Image via Bad Kitty Media

for when singleness feels unbearable

I wrote this post last December and never shared it. As we approach the holiday season this year (where did the year go!?), the topic is on my heart again. For those of you who feel lonely this year, I want to remind you that you are not alone, we are in this world together.

//

Almost exactly three years ago, on December 15, I got dumped by a boy I really liked. Not gently broken up with. It wasn't a mutual decision. I did not see it coming. I'd already bought his Christmas gift! There's really no way to make it sound like I was cool, collected or in control. 

In retrospect, that 8-month relationship was a blip on my radar and a tiny dot on a piece of paper. In the grand scheme of life, it meant very little. But, at the time, it felt monumental. I felt hurt, lonely and appalled that he'd break up with me 10 days before Christmas and two weeks before New Year's Eve. Also, I was wearing a tacky sweater and both of my roommates were out of town when he did it. It hurt, y'all.

I'd anticipated a year-end romance full of holiday parties, tacky sweaters, gloved-hand holding and a New Year's Eve kiss. When the whole world is giving and rejoicing and celebrating, the loneliness of singleness is even more magnified.

I wanted to take a moment at the start of this holiday season to tell you that it's OK to feel lonely. You're not a Scrooge. At the height of our sugar highs and blissed-out gift giving, know that you are not alone. You might feel lonely and that's OK. But you aren't alone. And it's not wrong to yearn for someone to share this season with.

It can be tempting to wallow in our loneliness when we're struggling; to turn on Adele, grab a bottle of wine and cry ourselves to sleep with Christmas cookies. But, I think it's important to stretch ourselves beyond our natural inclinations so we can understand what a lonely season means. So we can learn and grow from it. My loneliest days shaped my heart, made me more tender and helped me understand who I am when I'm by myself - when I'm not standing on someone else's shoulders. 

So instead of calling on your friend Adele, when I feel lonely, here are a few things that help me cope:

1. Acknowledge it. Allow yourself to feel lonely. Instead of texting a random guy or filling your time with something mindless, reflect on why you feel this way and what would be a long term fix. You might not be able to make that change, but it will help you isolate what you feel is missing. 

2. Understand it. So often I've found that we say we are lonely, but, in actuality, we're yearning to feel known. The feeling of someone knowing what you're thinking before you say it, or knowing the perfect gift to give you is such a good feeling. And it's not wrong to yearn for that. But it's important to isolate whether we're yearning for physical company vs. emotional understanding. 

3. Practice gratitude. I sometimes struggle with anxiety and the best thing to help me overcome it is to reflect on what I'm grateful for. I've found the same habit can help when I feel lonely. Who are you grateful for? And what? What brings you joy? Look around: what is so beautiful it could take your breath away if you stop to notice it? 

4. Reach out to people that know you well. It can be really easy to want to wallow in our loneliness. This is normal. But push yourself to call a friend and tell her the truth - that you'd love to be around people, that you'd love to get a latte and exchange Christmas gifts. Be vulnerable with the people that love you; allow them to meet you in your loneliness.

5. Be friendly in the grocery store. If I feel alone or grumpy or just blah, when I'm extra friendly and conversational with strangers, I find it can completely shift my mood. It's simple but it works. 

I know none of these things can solve for the loneliness we can feel during the holiday season. But, I've found they help me when I'm struggling, and I hope they will do the same for you.

October Recap & November Goals

October was kind of magical around here. Historically, it has been an insane month, with travel and weddings and all sorts of bustling. But this year, it was a little slower. It was my first month of the year, in fact, that I didn't board a plane. 

We stayed in town three out of the five weekends and got creative with dating on a budget.

We went on a {free} date to Oakland Cemetery (bucket list #79) and learned that you have to buy tickets for October in August. So instead we just surveyed the perimeter. 

We checked out Radial Cafe for the first time, which was delicious - so many healthy options! We went for brunch, which is much cheaper than dinner out. 

We carved pumpkins with Melly and got our favorite Thai carryout: Little Bangkok.

We drove to Birmingham for an impromptu trip to see good friends. We sat on their deck with wine and chili and snacks and football, while catching up and reveling in how good a slow Saturday with familiar friends feels. 

We also visited Chris' dad in Charlotte. I had the chance to see an old friend and explore my favorite neighborhood on foot: NoDa! I had the most delicious purple and sweet potato hash, alongside a bowl (not mug!) of coffee at littleSpoon. There may not be a faster way to my heart than giving me a vat of coffee. 

I ate all the pumpkin in the whole city à la this sausage and root vegetable hash. I wore shorts and tank tops and rejoiced that summer (sweet summer!) had chosen to stay with us just a leeeetle bit longer. 

I hustled on The Letter Project, cried tears of joy as I watched it grow, then celebrated with margaritas and guac at Bartaco. 

If September was about creating new routines, October was about refining them. I learned to set boundaries on work hours. I also learned that, on days when the words aren't coming or being productive doesn't feel possible, getting up, taking a ten minute walk and regrouping can be just the trick to get the wheels turning again. 

Here's how I did on October goals:

1. Blog about our honeymoon // Done, almost :) Santorini post will be up next Wednesday, with the hope of Paros on Friday. I wrote the second post but SquareSpace timed out and I lost it. Try, try again, my friends.  

2. Launch phase one of Project to Love Ourselves // DONE. I am overjoyed at how much you all have supported this cause. We wrote more than 100 letters and have 125 letter writers signed up. It has been incredible. Thank you!

3. Start B-School // Started it! Not finished but made some progress. 

4. Finish Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist // Done! 

5. Make a trip to Athens, GA, to talk to potential volunteers and an intern. // Done! Got two interns (!) and loads of volunteers. Those UGA girls can rock it. 

6. Learn more about Design Thinking // Done! And trying it out with The Letter Project. 

And now for November Goals! 

1. Promote and grow The Letter Project // I am speaking at Emory mid-month and couldn't be more excited. Working to find more ways to spread the word. 

2. Finish my presentation for Emory // Preferably before I do #1 :) 

3. Read Sully // I love Tom Hanks and really want to see the movie. Book first, baby! 

4.  Start a new bible study // Chris and I are joining one through our church. Whoop! I hope we meet some new friends; we're both yearning for more community at church. 

5. Learn about SEO optimization on SquareSpace // Any advice? I am gladly accepting tips! 

Single, Childless and No Dream Job to Show for It

A few months ago, I was talking to an older man about getting married and starting a family. I mentioned that I hope to someday have a little brood - lots of babes running around, because that's how I grew up and loved it so much. 

How old are you? He asked without missing a beat. 

29, I told him, thinking, oh boy, here we go.

Well. You better get started! You don't have much time, he told me quickly, casually before walking away.

I laughed and agreed, but wanted to say: Really?? That is brand new information! 

via GIPHY

He meant no harm - in fact, he probably thought he was helping me out. Giving me a little tip about the ole ovaries, in case I missed that class in biology.

But, what I felt, deep down, was shame. I felt like he'd taken the glass of cold water in his hand and dumped it on my head. He thought he was helping me cool off, when, in actuality, he made me feel like I'd been part of a drive-by shaming, leaving me soaked and speechless.  

And this happens all of the time to women. It's the casual remarks, most often:
Have you thought about online dating?
You can meet your husband anywhere, you know.
A baby looks good on you!
Better get started; you don't have much time!
Why haven't you found a husband yet?
Maybe you're just too picky. 

A therapist once told me that the most shaming question we can ask someone is: What's new? Because it sends people into a spiral, trying to come up with something, anything new they could share. When, in reality, a lot of us are thinking:

Well, still single. No kids. Same job. Same apartment. Nope, no pets. Nope, no promotion.

At the heart of it, no one is trying to tell you that you aren't enough as you are. But, the problem is that we're already primed for these messages to land. The world sends us constant reminders to get better, do better and be better:

Get prettier with more makeup
Get skinnier with more exercise
Be more productive with this service
Be more lovable with this app
Be more likeable with this purse
Be smaller, be more productive, be busier, be happier...

These daily messages create the perfect runway for small, meaningless comments to land perfectly, leaving us wondering if the world was right to send those messages after all. Leaving us wondering if maybe we aren't good enough as we are.

I can't help but wonder what would happen if we just stopped buying into it. If I'd replied to that man: Oh yes sir, that is probably true. But I'm doing my best and that's all I can do today. If we stopped buying into the idea of scarcity. If we believed that neither a baby nor husband nor dream job can make us more lovable. If we believed we are enough and we do enough. Because, our worth is undeniably in the fact that we were designed to exist. Our lives matter regardless of what we do or achieve. Our lives matter because we are children of God and, in that identity, we are enough.