you can have it all, but not all at once.

In high school, we had a coach who always said: you can have it all, but not at the same time. As an impulsive, impatient 18-year-old, her advice drove me nuts.  Having it all in intervals isn’t really having it all, I’d think.

Last week, I tossed and turned in bed, wondering if I’ll ever master the balance of this life. Will I ever set the right boundaries? Will I ever feel like there is enough time and sleep in my life? I felt stressed as I thought through my impending commitments, wondering if I’d get everything done. Suddenly, her words popped into my head: you can have it all, but not at the same time.

It hit me then that it is about pace.  It’s not about yes or no, but, instead, about now or later.

It took me 12 years (+ some therapy) to finally understand what she meant. You can have all of your hopes and dreams, but they have to happen in intervals. I can freelance, grow The Letter Project, write a book and start a family – but not all at once. I can do some of them in July, some in October and, heck, some of them in a few years. It can all happen, but it can’t all happen at the same time. Because you only have so many hours each day. 

Her advice was less about giving things up and, instead, about patience and hard work. It's about picking what is most important today and what can wait until tomorrow. It’s about trusting that some dreams happen in a microwave and some in a slow cooker.  As much as we want instant success and growth, it doesn't always happen that way. But the ones that take longer? They're almost always worth waiting for. In and in the meantime, the best thing we can do is trust we're exactly where we need to be right now and, when the time is right, we'll find the way to where we're going.

5 Things I'm Loving, Homies!

1. My new swimsuit from Target. It was worth the fight! :)  I got this top and this bottom and am l-o-v-i-n-g them together. I felt very nervous for the high-waisted bottom (am I stylish enough?!), but I love it! I felt like it was way more flattering than something low. Also, I love the top, but if you're more well endowed than I am (B-cup!), it might be hard to wear. It doesn't have a lot of support. It also runs large. I am normally a medium in Target swim and needed a small. 
2. Emily Hearn's music. This girl is on point! And I think she is from Georgia. It's great to work to. 
3. Moroccanoil Moisture Repair Shampoo. My friend let me use her's at a bachelorette party last weekend and I couldn’t believe how soft my hair felt. Also, I couldn't stop smelling it. Why is this stuff so good!? Like seriously did they use unicorn juice to make it so wonderful? [Also what is unicorn juice, you ask? I have no idea, but it felt right.]
4. Hoopla! It’s a freeee app that links to your library card. You can listen to or read any book available in your library. For free! 
5. Rising Strong by Brené Brown. I’ve only read about a third but am loving it. I have a feeling it will be one I read over and over because there is so much to learn.

Happy Friday friendy fries!

You Deserve 100% from a Guy

I would like to introduce you to a couple today, Mike and Jesse. They have been in a relationship for the last few years. From time to time, things have been rocky. You see, he can be a bit noncommittal, but she loves him and he says he loves her.

When they are physically together, in the same place, he makes her feel happy and is kind to her (mostly). He doesn’t pursue her as much as she wants him to, but it’s worth it to be with him. They laugh a lot and have good chemistry. Also, they have so much history. She couldn’t imagine starting over again! Honestly, she loves him so much it makes her heart hurt thinking about it.

When they are not in the same place, though, he can be somewhat flaky. He flirts with other girls and she’s not sure if he is totally faithful. She thinks they are monogamous, but it is hard to pin him down on that conversation. She knows she is monogamous and thinks he probably just flirts with other girls. But if she thinks about it too long, it bugs her a little bit. When she brings it up, he either makes her feel like she’s being crazy and demanding or shuts down. It’s easier not to bring it up.  She is constantly yearning for more time with him and doesn’t want to waste good times together on tough conversations. Especially because she knows everything is fine.

Seriously, everything is fine. This is what she tells her friends when they press her on it. I know I said I was upset about that, but I was being dramatic. I was on my period. And had had too much wine. We’re good. Seriously! I have never loved him so much. I think he will probably propose by my birthday.

She dreams often of their wedding day and the house they’ll buy together. She pictures him mowing the lawn after work while she bathes the kids. She wants three kids and he says whatever she wants is fine with him.

More than anything, she dreams of the mundane with him – the consistency of day-to-day life. Making dinners. Watching Netflix. Going on walks. Falling asleep next to him. Getting enough of him, because, right now, it feels like she can't quench her thirst - she always wants more, but he doesn't have time. 

She pictures him doting on her. She dotes on him a lot right now and, although he’s often too busy to do the same, she knows he will someday.  He’s just really stressed at work! Also, he has been clear with her that he’s not ready for marriage yet, but she knows Mike loves her. Even if he doesn’t tell her as much as she wishes he would.

Does this sound familiar to any of you? I am sad to say I have been Jesse too many times before.

I have been the girl who is afraid to be clear about what she wants. I have been afraid to be honest about how much I am hurting, for fear he’d leave me. I have questioned that quiet voice in my head, nudging, nudging me along, telling me: you deserve better.

I have told that voice to go away so many times that, for a while, it stopped talking to me. When I finally started hearing it again, I didn’t trust it anymore. Am I being crazy? It’s not that bad, is it?

I have lain in bed at night after a date with him – when things weren’t good, but weren’t that bad, either – wondering why year three didn’t feel like year one. I have wondered why he could be so nice – so charming – to all of my friends (and waitresses!), but, when we were alone, he couldn’t even put down his phone to engage with me.

I have been the girl who is giving everything – 100 percent – to the person she loves, only to feel like he’s not even meeting her halfway.

I wish I could go back and tell that girl: That is not love. He isn’t loving you. He is keeping you around, yes. But he isn’t pursuing you. He isn’t giving you what you deserve. And, girl, if you’re afraid he might leave you if you tell him how you really feel, get out of there. Because love doesn’t leave. Love fights for one another.

If he loves you and you tell him you need more, he asks what he can do to better meet your needs. He rises up because he’s a man and he knows you deserve to be pursued. He doesn’t throw his hands up, tell you you’re a crazy girl and walk away. And if he does? He doesn’t deserve you. Because you deserve 100% from the person you love.

I know it’s hard. I know you love him. I know you thought you’d get married. I know it’s going to hurt like nothing you’ve ever felt before. I know your heart will physically ache. I know there will be some dark days ahead. But as someone who has lived in the dark before, I promise the light ahead is worth the time spent in pain.

As my dad told me the first day after my horrible breakup: Today, you are in a better spot than you were yesterday. Because you’re one day further away from him and one day closer to where you’re going.  

Keep going, friend.

"You deserve someone who makes it about you. I can't watch you give your heart away for a handful of empty love. Trying so hard to be the one he wants. He should love you the way you are...So go one cut your hair off as short as you want to. Do what you've wanted to do, but don't you dare make it all about him. Oh he's never made it all about you." Emily Hearn, Annie

An Anthem for Summer

I went bathing suit shopping recently. As I sifted through Target's swimsuit section, I noticed the other women around me. Each displayed varying degrees of disdain as they eyed the selection carefully. I would gauge their levels of excitement somewhere between mining for gold and snaking the shower drain; the majority hoping to find some buried treasure, but eager to have it over with as quickly as possible.

Do these bottoms seem teenier? Are the tops more triangular? Is it awkward that a middle schooler and I are in the same section? I wondered as I watched my fellow shoppers, their heads hanging low.

I was tempted to stand in the middle of the swimwear section and rally cry to the women around me: Hey guys! This kind of stinks but we're in it together. You only need one suit to look good. Keep digging!

I thought this might seem a little melodramatic, so I tried instead to just smile at the people around me, hoping I could convey my message of solidarity. Hang in there, girl!

It got me thinking about summer. This week marks the longest day of the year, which is a holiday in my book. More daylight! The best blueberries! Everything grilled! It's my favorite season.

But along with summer comes more skin; shorter than short shorts, strappier tank tops - not even our feet are spared. As I stood in the bright dressing room (btw, those lights are unflattering), I thought about how nice it would be if we all embraced our bodies for function over form this summer. What if we loved our legs because they let us go on long, humid runs and splash around in the lake? What if we loved our arms because they allow us play tennis and eat popsicles?

What if we didn't cling to our cover-ups like security blankets and instead ran free in the sun, enjoying every last minute of glorious daylight? What if we stood tall in our swimsuits, our heads held high because this is the body we were given and we know now to stop fighting it and, instead, embrace it? 

As we approach the first official day of summer, this is my anthem. Let us be brave enough to believe we were fearfully and wonderfully made. Let us trust that the way we look - in a swimsuit or a snowsuit - is good enough, beautiful enough, pleasing enough. Let us trust that we are enough and remember that you don't have to be small to be beautiful. 

Let us soak up every drop of summer sun, drink the last sip of rosé, laugh a little louder and be brave enough to do a cannonball, even if we'll make a big splash. Let us remember this season is meant to be enjoyed, not tolerated.