A Few Things I'm Loving

Rise Together Podcast // I love a lot of Rachel Hollis’ work and hearing her speak with her husband about marriage has been awesome. They have great, tangible advice. Chris and I love to listen to the same episode and discuss.

Em’s post about self-care // Self-care, oh self-care! I feel like you sometimes get a reputation for being indulgent or for the high-maintenance folk. But you ain’t! Self-care for me is making a cup of pour-over coffee in the morning, doing my quiet time or going for a walk on a nice day. I love Em’s take on the topic.

Crazy Rich Asians // Truth: this took me longer than expected to get into. I didn’t realize it would be so satirical. Now that I’m halfway through, though, I’m hooked. I don’t think it’s going to be a life-changing book, but it’s a fun read.

JCrew Love First shirt // Love this shirt. Love this message. Love you guys.

Bye :)

McCoy's Birth Story

I apologize for the length of this post. I want to remember every detail! :)

Baby Saxon, whose gender was unknown, was due on May 6, 2018. I felt certain, though, that it would be a girl born on Cinco de Mayo. A lifetime of Cinco de Saxon birthday parties with rain plans just in queso.

We hosted a Cinco de Mayo/Kentucky Derby party on the fifth and hugged our family extra long. We’ll see you in the hospital next, I bet! We all said. Our house was clean, our bags were packed, our to-do lists were finished. We were ready.

I woke up on May 6 with no action. We decided to skip church to go hiking. Just to get this little one moving! Next, I baked lemon cupcakes because they say they can put you into labor. We ate the spiciest dinner known to man. To be honest, I was a little angsty and cried once or twice. My sister said it well: it feels like an alarm is going off in your head and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ve been waiting for this day for so long. To have nothing happen feels very odd.

May 6 was a full moon, so we went to bed hopeful - again - that I’d go into labor that night. We woke up on the seventh with no action. This time, though, I was not frustrated. I’d made peace with the fact that the baby would arrive when it was ready. Though I did call my mom to double check that I would actually go into labor someday. I’m not going to be pregnant forever, right? I asked her. She laughed and promised the baby would come when it was ready.

Because I’d done everything for work and the house that I could possibly think of, I decided to go hang out with my parents. My mom and I had a relaxing lunch, then my parents and I sat on their porch in the sun. It was lovely. My sister came over later that afternoon. She showed me which cloth diapers to buy, then we went to Old Navy. Chris and I ate another spicy dinner.

Before bed, Chris and I ended up having a pretty long conversation about the parts of him that still didn’t feel ready to be a dad. It was so honest and cathartic for both of us to reveal our fears and hopes for our family.

Without a doubt, the Lord knew it was a conversation that needed to happen before baby Sax arrived. Within 15 minutes of us ending it and going to sleep, I got up to go to the bathroom and realized that (I thought!) my water had broken. I furiously googled what it feels like if your water breaks before waking Chris up. After some googling, it was clear: I was in labor.

I woke up Chris and he called the hospital. He then proceeded to do a load of laundry, wash our sheets, cut up the remaining bananas to freeze and run the dishwasher. Ha! I billed a freelance client for work between contractions, which I managed through by marching all over the house. Between them, we attempted to watch Modern Family in bed, but my contractions were already so long and close together we couldn’t really do it.

Within two hours of my water breaking, it was time to go to the hospital. This baby was moving fast and furiously!

The entire time I’d been pregnant, I had been hoping and praying for a natural childbirth. To be honest, though, besides that, I had not done much to prepare for it. I was shocked by the intensity of my contractions and was starting to doubt my ability to go med-free.

I needed to keep moving to help with the pain of contractions, so the seven minute drive to the hospital felt like an eternity. Walking in to the hospital felt significantly easier than riding in the car.

Right when we arrived to the hospital, they admitted me into a room while Chris checked us in. Within 30 seconds of getting into the room, I started throwing up. I had read the vomiting was a sign of the baby progressing, so I felt really happy about this, even though throwing up is my least favorite activity ever.

I got into the bed to be checked and was surprised to find that, at this point in labor, lying down actually felt better than standing. Chris came into the room and they told me I was at 4 centimeters, which felt discouraging because the pain I was feeling made me think I was at least at 6 :) The nurse told me that when your water breaks, the pain of contractions is worse because it acts as a little cushioning. This made me feel a lot better!

I decided, then, that I would try a low dose of fentanyl to see if it would be enough to take the edge off the pain. It didn’t really touch the pain and I burst into tears. I thought I was strong enough to do this without pain medication, I told Chris. Are you going to think I’m weak if I need an epidural? Chris knew exactly what to say in that moment as he reassured me that being strong, right now, was doing whatever it took to get the baby out.

The nurse checked me and I had progressed 2 centimeters in the 30 minutes since arriving. She told me I had to decide quickly if I wanted an epidural since it would take the doctor a little bit of time to get there. I decided to get one, though I still felt really uneasy about it. Aside from the challenge of a natural labor, I felt scared of something going wrong. I’d heard so many horror stories!

The doctor arrived and the hardest part of getting an epidural was sitting still. And that it didn’t take the first time. At this point I felt sad - I’d given in to the idea of knowing pain relief was just around the corner. The doctor told me he wasn’t sure there was time to try again since I was so far along at this point, but he’d try once more. It took!

At this point, I’d only been in labor since 11:15 pm on May 7. It was now around 6 a.m. on May 8 and, with the instant pain relief, we both fell asleep.

At 7 a.m., we woke up to the sound of loud beeping. Nurses and doctors rushed all around us. They could not find the baby’s heartbeat. They woke me up by putting oxygen on my face and prepping me for surgery. I felt so scared. I asked a nurse if the baby was OK and she didn’t say anything.

After a minute that felt like an hour, they realized the baby had progressed from six to ten centimeters in just one hour. It was go time! You’ll have this baby by noon! The nurse told me.

My doctor came in, then, and coached me through pushing. She - along with the nurses - were all amazing. They explained how to push and Chris turned on music. I have no doubt that I’ll try for a natural birth again if we’re fortunate enough to have another baby. But in that moment, I was so thankful for the epidural. I was having so much fun! I loved pregnancy so much and felt so grateful, right then, to be loving labor. I felt strong and excited and happy.

Chris, however, was not feeling quite so well at that exact moment. We knew he was a fainting risk throughout pregnancy because blood draws make him queasy. As he stood there holding my leg and they warmed the room up for the baby’s arrival, he told me he thought he was going down. The nurses helped him lie down and got him some juice. We later laughed about the image of him having the nurses huddled over him while I labored, asking if he was OK. It still makes me laugh in the best way!

Once he recovered, he was back by my side. Cheering me on. I wonder what song our baby will be born to, he whispered. Maybe not this one? I smiled at him. He laughed and changed it from Kanye.

The nurse had said she thought we’d have our baby within a few hours, but, at just after 8 a.m. - only an hour of pushing - he was almost here. The doctor told me it would be just one or two more big pushes. I’ll spare you the details, but after just a few moments, the most beautiful head was out. She told me I could pull him the rest of the way if I wanted, so I reached down and pulled the babe to my chest. They asked Chris to cut the cord and announce the gender. It’s a boy! Right? He said. We all laughed and cried and laughed and cried as we held him for the first time.

Holding him for the first time was the most incredible and surreal moment. It was like I already knew him - and him me. He latched right away and slept on my chest for the next two hours, which felt like minutes. He had such cute black, curly hair and a mohawk.

It has taken me until now to write this all down because I knew my words would never feel big enough to describe what I felt. I once heard someone say that when they held their baby for the first time, they finally knew what their hands were for. I totally understand that. Holding him was the most beautiful, precious feeling. I would go back to that moment every single day if I could!

Chris and I spent the first few hours alone before family arrived. We snuggled our sweet baby and talked about names. We’d had a boy and girl list before heading to the hospital, but, after meeting him, we both agreed that this little dude was the perfect McCoy. We gave him the middle name of Howden, which is my mom’s maiden name.

I realized then that I put a lot of pressure on myself to have an epidural-free labor. I had to mourn that and give myself grace. But, once I held McCoy, I realized absolutely none of it matters. There is no right, wrong or better way to have a baby. It was my very first lesson in the way we can judge one another as moms. I realized that most people are just doing their absolute best to serve their families and love their babies well. It is a lesson I hope I carry with me forever and always. Sweet little babe was already teaching me life lessons during his first day on Earth!

Those first few days in the hospital were the absolute sweetest and I am so, so grateful for them. I still feel so warm and happy when I remember them. We are so grateful to the Lord for our sweet, healthy babe and a safe delivery.

We love you, Mac Saxon! :)

Thoughts on Waiting for a Baby

If you knew me when I was younger, you’d know I was ready to be a mom by age four. If you think this must be hyperbole, I’d like to introduce you to my niece. She just turned five and already has her future family planned; more specifically, the endless number of babies she intends to birth.

I met Chris when I was 27. Approximately five years after I thought I’d have my first child. This was also 10 years after I’d told my high school boyfriend I wasn’t sure if things would work for us because he didn’t know if he wanted to have kids in his early 20s. Scratch that. He knew he absolutely did not want to do so.

I share this to give you context: I know how deep a desire motherhood is. I know what a longing it can be in our souls.

As I watched my sisters have multiple babies while I was still single, I prayed I’d someday get to do the same. As I spent my 20s watching friends get married and start families, my heart yearned to be in their same boat.

For me, one of the hardest part of singleness was that I didn’t just yearn for a boyfriend or a husband. I yearned for children, too. My heart ached and my anxiety surged when I engaged with the sad truth: I didn’t just want a husband. I wanted multiple steps beyond it. I wanted it all.

If you’ve been around this blog a while, you already know I had to lay the future I idolized down at the feet of the Lord before I could move into that season. You know how hard I white knuckled my plans, my dreams. You know I had to give every inch of my plan over to the Lord before my heart was truly ready to meet Chris.

image via

But what you might not know is this: Even after I met him, Chris moved a lot more slowly than me. I knew I would marry him six months into our relationship. I would have had his baby right then! It took another year and a half for his heart to be ready to propose. We also both recognized that, while I wanted to start a family right away, he needed time.

I had to fight against the angsty voice inside my head that wanted me to push him daily to be ready faster. I had to speak back the voice that wanted to remind him about my ovaries and the race we were running against the biological clock.

I had to get on my knees, daily, remembering to seek the Lord first and to put our marriage above my longing for a baby.

I don’t want to share numbers when it comes to how long it took us to conceive because I’ve learned it is only detrimental to all parties. What seems long to me might seem short to you. Or super long? It’s like sharing your weight. Numbers provide more shame than growth.

But, please trust me when I say this: I know how you can long for a future that feels so far out of reach for years. I know what it’s like when it seems you’ve done absolutely everything in your power to move toward your dreams, only to feel completely stuck in the waiting.

I know what it is like when you feel like you’re waiting for your life to begin. I spent a good portion of my 20s with this deep-seeded belief. Certain that if I could just find my husband, my whole world would open up. While I don’t recommend living this way - because so much life happens in the waiting - I wholeheartedly understand how hard it can be to get out from under this idea.

So know this: it’s OK to feel sad when you want something badly but it’s not in your foreseeable future. It’s also OK to feel jealous when others get what you want (but also - good to do something about it).

I believe, fully and wholly, that the Lord does not give us a deep desire with no answer in our future. The answer may take years and it may look different than we expect it to. But He is good and His plans for you are whole. Open up your hands a little bit - loosen your grip. Do not lose hope.

And, if you’re like me and mantras help you steady, a few for you to repeat:

The darkest hour is before dawn.

Good things take time.

He is working all things together for my good.

And if not, He is still good.

Surviving (+Thriving!) in Marriage with a Newborn

Having a newborn is, by far, the greatest challenge Chris and I have faced as a couple.

Mac Sax is the best baby in the world (no bias here!), but his newborn days were hard. I really don’t like to admit it, but he was a fussy baby. He cried and cried and cried. He also was not a natural sleeper. People kept telling us we’d see some four and six hour stretches by six weeks and that we’d soon turn a corner. But our sweet babe was still waking up every two hours at nine weeks. We were so tired.

But the truth of the matter is: even if you have a rockstar sleeper and a babe that isn’t fussy, having a newborn is hard.

It changes your marriage dramatically and brings everything to the surface: your weaknesses, your selfishness, your insecurities. Couple that with hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation and the intensity of the love you suddenly feel for your baby and, y’all, I was on my knees.

What I’d like to make sure you know for sure is this: it gets easier.

You figure your baby out and find rhythms that work for your family and, before you know it, you inch your way back toward one another. But, in those first few weeks, it can be hard. Here are a few things I learned along the way:

Be grateful. // Recognize that you’re both new to this and doing your best. Express gratitude as much as you can.

Don’t be passive aggressive. // I’m ashamed to admit this, but Chris and I both caught ourselves saying little passive aggressive comments to Mac when we were frustrated with each other. Our baby was six weeks old and we were already putting our stuff on him! I’m embarrassed by this, but am positive I can’t be the only one. When we noticed it, we immediately made a rule that we aren’t allowed to do that now or ever again. If we are frustrated with each other, we have to be brave enough to tell one another.

Have sex // When your baby is touching you all day and you don’t feel your best physically and you’re so superly tired, sex is the last thing on your minds. But sex is good, important and a communication tool. It probably won’t feel the same as it did before, but, remember: sex begets sex. Sometimes, you just have to start doing it again.

Take time for yourself. // When we were in the thick of it, we decided one Sunday we’d both get two hours to ourselves. One of us would hang with Mac and the other person would get two selfish hours. I showered and washed my hair, online shopped, reorganized his baby clothes and drank coffee. It felt so good to be a little selfish and made me miss them both so much.

Get out of the house. // It can be so intimidating to leave the house with a babe. But you can do it! Pack that diaper bag and go somewhere. Even for just 30 minutes. Grab a drink or a coffee - or just walk the grocery store aisles. Expose yourself to other humans besides your family.

Let your husband get involved. // You cooked that baby inside of you for 10 months. You probably talked to it all the time (or am I the only one?). Suddenly, it’s in the world and it can be easy to assume you know best. But dads matter, too! You might feel protective at first, but let him do things. Change those diapers in the night. Put the baby in the car seat. Snuggle it. Soothe it. You’re both learning together.

Do something that feels like yourself every day. // Around three weeks, I felt like I needed to regain a little control of my life. My mom suggested to start doing a few things that felt like before-baby-me. This is a personal one - but it might be going for walks, brushing your hair, putting on real clothes, wearing mascara or organizing a little closet. For me, it was getting out of the house, exercising (once okayed to do so), showering daily and wearing mascara. Those things helped me feel like myself again.

Keep a team mentality. // It can be easy to feel like it’s you + baby vs. your spouse when you’re frustrated with each other. But remember: you and your spouse were a team first. It’s not you vs. the baby, because you’re all a family. But! Once Chris and I took on the mentality of it’s us, together, taking on this challenge of a newborn, we felt united and empowered.

The days feel long at first, but, before you know it, your baby will be sleeping through the night and you’ll be staring at photos of it in bed, missing it dearly just 10 feet away. :)