Are You Becoming Less of Yourself in Your Relationship?

Tears streamed down my face as I stood in church, singing the worship songs I’d heard hundreds of times before. The familiar melodies felt like my mom rubbing my back, telling me it was OK to cry. It felt like the words were finding me, after months of wanting to stay hidden. I swayed to the music, finally willing to be seen in this place.

My relationship was coming to an end. I didn’t know it in my brain, yet, but my heart knew. The music gently wrung it out, beginning the process even before I was aware.

I would hang on for a few more months, tightly gripping every last shred of what we had. When things would hit rock bottom for us, still, I would hold tightly, being expunged from the relationship, rather than walking away with dignity.

Things were bad between us for so many reasons. One of the many reasons, though, was that I was becoming less of myself, not more.

I was quieter, more anxious. I was jealous. I was nervous and afraid to speak up. I felt like I was both too much and not enough. My emotions overwhelmed him. My desire to spend time together was suffocating him. The things I did that I considered to be thoughtful didn’t seem to reach him. The things I really wanted him to do with me, like running and going to church and cooking dinner, no longer interested him. We were on different planes.

He felt like he was enjoying the season of life we were in to the fullest. I was ready to move forward - grow up. He felt I was holding him back. I thought he was dragging his feet. We were broken long before the breakup.

Chris and I were doing something, recently. I was being goofy. We were laughing. Mac was laughing. We were happy. It hit me, then, that in my old relationships, I wasn’t secure enough to act this way.

If I could give any advice to single girls, it would be this: do not stop looking until you can be your real self. Your full self. Your messy self. The goofy one. The emotional one. The one with real needs, real conversation.

The one who is unafraid.

You will never be perfect and neither will your relationship. I believe, though, that when a relationship is right, we have the ability to be both our best and worst selves, because there is safety. We are no longer performing. We make mistakes. We apologize. We laugh. We cry. We thrive and grow and stop tempering, stop monitoring. We aren’t afraid to ask for things and we give generously.

I’m passionate about this topic because I have seen myself almost disappear into a relationship before. At times, I’ve wanted a person more than I wanted to be myself. It’s scary, but, unfortunately, not unique to me.

Let your anthem be one of becoming more fully yourself, more alive, braver and stronger. Speak up and remember, if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

Some Words for Heartache

Sometimes, I get the memories of my ex boyfriends confused. Which one of them took me on that date? And said that thing? And laughed that way?

I’m not telling you this to make you think they were insignificant. The opposite, in fact. These were men who, at the time, felt very important to me. I thought, at one point, I might marry them. They were the ones who taught me just how broken a breakup could make you feel. Who made me wonder, months later, if my heart would ever stop feeling the dull ache that had become my new normal.

The other day, when a memory popped into my brain, I realized it used to be one that felt vivid and important to the relationship. Yet last week, I couldn’t remember which relationship it was.

It hit me, then, that this could be important for someone who is in the thick of heartache to hear. The memories that feel so (so) painful right now, might someday feel more like a t-shirt you find in the back of your drawer. It used to flood you with emotion, bringing you to your knees with the scent of his cologne. But now it’s just an old Cubs t-shirt and you’re not totally sure if it was Jack or Mike’s.

Just like that shirt, there is a season of life when the memories will keep you warm. You will savor them as you heal; they will confirm that the relationship was significant. They will sting a little, too. It was once so good; where did we go wrong? Will be a question that haunts you.

But as you heal, gaining distance from them, they’ll get smaller and smaller, less and less significant. Both the joy and pain of them will lessen. And someday, they’ll be a little blurry. You’ll recognize, then, that these memories shrunk in order to make room for new, truer ones. The beautiful, lifelong memories that won’t fade or change, because they were made with the right person. Not Jack or Mike or that guy you met at the Halloween party and thought you’d marry because your name went oh-so well with his last name. No, these memories are your forever-ones. Never to be confused or forgotten or abandoned like an old shirt.

So let those memories wash over you when you need to. Laugh. Cry. Let your mind wander through the past, like a meandering tourist in a foreign city, sometimes seeing only the romance, sometimes asking the hard questions. Revel in them. But trust me when I say: the ones ahead will be brighter than anything left behind.

Your Significant Other is Going to Annoy You (and it's OK!)

The first time Chris did something that really annoyed me, I wanted to cry. This is it, I remember thinking. He isn't perfect. Here comes the end. I'd convinced myself that happy couples are perfect; that they never frustrate each other or have strife. How wrong I was! I was looking for a romantic comedy instead of a relationship.

What I didn't know then, because I had never been in an honest, authentic relationship, is that everyone gets annoyed of their significant other from time to time.

In fact, I'd venture to say that if you've been together for years and you're not annoyed every now and then, you're probably not paying attention. 

The first time Chris was really bugging me, my internal thoughts went into overdrive. Am I being unreasonable? Is this going to work? Why is he doing that!?...Why is he still doing that? I am fairly certain I was almost in tears when I asked him to stop. And then I apologized over and over for asking him to stop, assuring him it was OK. His reaction?

He told me this wasn't a big deal and if we were going to be in a relationship, we needed to practice authenticity over harmony. 

If something is bugging you, he said, you have to let me know. How else will we ever grow together? And how would I know it's bothering you if you don't tell me? 

I recently asked Chris, jokingly, how long it would take him to name something about me that bugged him sometimes. He wouldn't commit to an exact time, but laughed knowingly when I said 30 seconds. He then told me that he thinks in almost any close, healthy relationship - romantic or not - most people could probably name something about the other person that is frustrating. Why?

It's a sign of authenticity and comfort. It's a sign that you're not pretending or walking on eggshells, but, instead, letting your guard down. It's not a lack of love, in fact, it's a space where love and comfort flow freely. 

I recently read a Time magazine article about why it's actually good when you annoy each other. The article said it can be a catalyst for growth, because the little things that bother us often point to larger issues.

"How do you know what could be improved in your relationship? Look at what’s annoying you. Maybe your partner being late to dinner points toward a deeper issue: She always stretches herself too thin. Or maybe your partner forgetting to wash the car is evidence of his irresponsibility—a legitimate concern in any relationship."

Sometimes, it's probably pointless, and the fact that two humans living in close quarters can be a breeding ground for a little bit of conflict. Other times, though perhaps it does serve as the gateway to conversation about where we can both grow. 

And, of course, if your partner always annoys you - like all the time - it might indicate a lack of compatibility. But if him leaving the dresser drawers open or not keeping his car clean gets on your nerves from time to time, I think you'll be OK. Just remember to speak kindly when you bring it up and, of course, bear in mind he might have a thing or two that bugs him, as well.  We're only humans, after all.

Pick Someone Who Is Gentle & Kind

It was a little over a year ago that Chris and I were in Kenya for a month. As March passed this year, I kept thinking of what we were doing each day, one year ago.

There was the part of the trip when we were in our rural village, walking each day to garden, Kenyan kids chasing after us as my long skirt dragged and our Tevas kicked up red dirt. 

Then there was the part of our trip when we were on a safari. I'll never forget arriving at that resort. We must have looked like such a mess compared to the other vacationers! It's a high-end lodge, but we were able to stay there due to their amazing volunteer discount. Everyone was dressed to the nines in safari clothes and we rolled up in our volunteer gear after three weeks of using a bucket of water to shower. Juice, coffee, mimosa? They offered us upon arrival. Yes, please, all three! We probably acted like we hadn't had a proper meal in weeks. (In our defense, we hadn't!)

Then, of course, there was the last part of our trip when I was in the hospital. I'll never forget lying on the metal bed after being admitted. Doctors rushed all around me speaking in Swahili as I shook from the fever, even though the non-air conditioned, windowless room must have been at least 85 degrees. I remember feeling so scared because they wouldn't let Chris back with me. Before they could figure out what was wrong, when we were worried it was something really severe, I remember thinking there was no way I would allow myself to die alone on a table in in Kenya. 

I also thought about how embarrassed I was that Chris was seeing me so sick. We'd been married a little over nine months and I had absolutely no bowel control. I was throwing up so much I could barely sit up in time to hit the bucket. I cannot imagine what I looked like as my stomach emptied itself from both directions and I cried about being scared and just wanting to go home. These are not the moments you picture when you take your vows. 

(the last day before we went HOME!)

I was thinking about that recently and realized there are a lot of reasons Chris and I work as a couple - and a million reasons I'm grateful I got to marry him. But the thing that matters the most, when you're in the thick of it, is gentility. I can't imagine how different our hospital experience would have looked if he hadn't been so kind, so careful, as he updated my family and tended to my needs.

If you're the stage of life when you're choosing a husband, I can't tell you enough to pick someone who is kind, patient and gentle. Pick someone who will be by your side no matter how terribly disastrous you look and feel. Pick someone who will rub your back and tell you you're beautiful, with so much conviction you actually forget you have vomit on your hospital gown. Pick someone who is kind, time and time again and I promise you will never regret it.