I Get Jealous (and here's what I do to cope!)

Want to know the ugly truth? Sometimes I feel super jealous. I want to be happy for someone when they have, yet another, beautiful baby. Or their career is going crazy and they just don't know how it is happening so fast! Or when they buy the cutest house with amazing upgrades and I'm wondering if I will ever (let alone now) be able to afford something so nice. 

Often before I even realize I am feeling jealous, I find myself being critical. She's too skinny, I think as I wonder WTHeck she does for those arms. I would never want to live in that part of town, anyway, I say as I admire her white countertops and pristine wood floors. 

Are you guys judging me yet? It's one of the most shameful things I do and I wish (wish!) it wasn't the truth. But, it's true. Sometimes - especially on Instagram - jealousy overcomes me.

For a long time, I tried to fight it. I would say things like: I want to be so happy with my life that I never feel jealous. Or I would shame myself for feeling it, trying to push it down and strong arm myself into simply being happy for her.

But, I've finally learned that this isn't productive. First of all, jealousy is normal. Super duper normal. And pushing it down or ignoring it just allows it to fester. 

A few years ago, I felt distance, for the first time ever, between my sister and me. I felt just a little bit frustrated with her when we'd talk. When she would tell me something exciting, I had a hard time engaging.  Finally, one day on the phone, before I even realized what I was saying, I started crying. I'm sorry, I told her. I don't want to feel distant from you right now. But I am just so jealous you get to have another baby and I'm not even married! I want to be happy for you but I just feel so jealous.

Being one of the most gracious people I know (literally) she instantly took my side. That is totally understandable! She told me. You had plans for your life and right now it feels like they aren't panning out. It's totally natural to feel frustrated and jealous. I know you're still happy for me!

The instant the words were out of my mouth, I felt like a new person. The minute I cried tears of heartache for myself, I was able to cry tears of joy for her. The moment I stopped trying to fight my feelings was the moment they stopped controlling me.

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I tell you this story because I want you to know, if you're sometimes caught up in jealousy, it's normal. This world allows a lot of space to admire one another from afar at all hours of the day. 

For me, a few quick tricks help when it's overcoming me:

1. I close Instagram. Put.down.the.phone. It is a dangerous little chaos bomb. Walk away. 
2. I remind myself that it's not that I don't want her to have it. I just want it, too. I want it for both of us! That makes me feel less cruel and more normal. 
3. If we are close and it's creating space between us, I tell her. Really good friends will understand. We've all been a bridesmaid one-too-many times or have felt like we're behind everyone else. Everyone has felt jealous and, when it's a safe friend, she won't make you feel bad. Instead, she'll probably say: Girl. Me too. I have been there a million times. 
4. I try to recognize why I am happy for her. Nine times out of ten, it defuses my jealousy. I catalogue, in my mind, all of the reasons I want those great things for her. I try to recognize why it's so wonderful for her. It helps!
5. I try to reflect on what it means for me. Is my life missing something? Do I feel behind? If I am jealous of how thin she is, do I need to keep pushing myself not to covet skinniness? Do I actually even want what she has or has the world told me I should? Again, this really helps ease feelings of jealousy because, oftentimes, I realize - wait - I don't actually want that. Good for her, not for me!

And, whenever you can, keep pressing into the joy in your own life. Keep practicing gratitude, even when it feels hard. Keep pushing yourself to grow and reflect. I look back on some of the more painful days in my 20s - when I felt like I couldn't handle the singleness anymore, everyone else was ahead of me and my life was a mess - and, now that they're behind me, I feel so grateful for them. They were super painful at the time, YES. But, I wouldn't be who I was today without them. And for that, I am grateful. 

This is probably (definitely) cliché to admit, but, when things feel superly hard in my life, I always think of the glow stick analogy. Sometimes, we have to break before we shine. 

Five Ways to Overcome Comparison & Jealousy

Monday's post seemed to resonate with people, which got me thinking about more tangible ways to fight the comparison trap. It's impossible to how-to ourselves out of these situations because the icky feelings that crop up when we're struggling with comparison are normally deep within us. They're heart issues, not how-to issues.

When I find myself thinking I wish I had that many Instagram followers, deep down I'm really feeling I wish that many people liked my writing as much as they like hers. When I'd find myself feeling envious of another friend getting engaged, it was less about the ring and the wedding and more about wanting someone - anyone - to like me that much. 

While we can't quickly check a few things off a How To Overcome Comparison list and be done with these feelings, there are tactics we can employ to ease our jealousy when we see other people having the success we think we deserve. We can't avoid the deep cavern that comparison can create in our hearts, but we can build a bridge to more easily walk across it. 

Five Ways to Overcome Comparison & Jealousy

1. Celebrate her // How annoying that this is my first tip, right? I know! But! Comparison and jealousy shrivel in the presence of celebration and collaboration. Jealous of a friend's awesome article? Repost it. Comment on it. Celebrate her as genuinely as you can in the moment, instead of stewing behind your screen. Jealous of yet another baby announcement? Send a card. Don't be insincere or over the top (no need to throw a shower, here!), but celebrate her as honestly as you can while respecting your own boundaries. 

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2. Pray for her // If celebrating her feels like too much, try praying for her. Pray that the Lord blesses her marriage, her business, her homeownership, her baby, whatever it may be. Pray that He works in her life to draw her near and shine bright in this chapter of her life. Whenever I do this, I notice my heart softens.

3. Have boundaries // One of my wedding showers happened to be on a friend's birthday. She was struggling with turning another year older and being single. She told me, ever so politely, that she wanted to celebrate me but didn't think she could spend her birthday at a bridal shower. I understood her feelings completely and was so grateful that she felt safe enough with me to be honest. If something feels like too much, opt out. Don't do something begrudgingly; set boundaries. They help us love another better. 

4. Tell someone // If you see something, say something, right? I sometimes struggle online when I see another small business owner having (what appears to be) more success than me. Instead of sitting there, scrolling and stewing, I put down my phone and tell Chris: I'm feeling envious of her. I wish I was having that much success. By saying it out loud, I've noticed I can defuse the feelings. 

5. Don't be ashamed of how you feel // You. Are. Normal. Don't let yourself experience guilt for feeling envious. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or that anything is wrong with you. This world can be uneven and it is sometimes tricky to navigate. What you're feeling is a very normal reaction.

For When You Feel Jealous

On Tuesday after work, I met an old friend for a walk. The air was warm and the Highlands were dancing - the sidewalks filled with people and strollers and dogs taking long sips of the first of spring. We talked hurriedly - updating one another on the last few weeks; the balmy air filling us with energy. 

She told me about her plans to leave Atlanta; she and her husband are taking their sweet baby and moving north. I asked a million questions about when and where and couldn't have felt more excited for her. They're beginning a new adventure; a brand new chapter for their tiny family. 

But, I detected something in the ugliest part of me that I wish I hadn't felt. I tried to ignore it, but it keep sneaking up.

So, I told her: "I couldn't be more excited for you. But I am a tiny bit jealous."

It's not that I want was she has. In fact, these days what I want is quite the opposite. So what was it?

When we're feeling jealous, it is normally for one of three reasons:

1. Someone else is getting something you want. You might want it now or in 10 years. But you know you want what they have. 
2. You're afraid you're getting left behind.
3. You're afraid there won't be enough for you and that this is an economy of scarcity.

As we finished our walk, she asked me for details on our wedding. I told her how the changing season was making it feel so close. We are in spring and we are getting married in spring! Holy cow!

After a few questions she sighed and said, "Oh, spring makes me feel so nostalgic for our wedding." 

I smiled at her words. Does she want to go back in time? Of course not.

But, just like the future can tempt us with what we don't have, the past can tempt us with what we once had. 

The key is understanding that the playing field is constantly shifting. There will always be someone who has what we want. And we will always have what someone else wants.

By practicing gratitude, we can avoid being overcome with jealousy or nostalgia. 

After we'd parted ways, I ran into another friend. She was on a third date with a guy she likes a lot. They were giddy with the kind of energy you only have in the beginning - when you wonder if he meant to touch your hand and his smile makes your heart flip.

For a brief moment, I thought: Ah, I miss that phase with Chris. And then I laughed at myself. Isn't that the way it goes? From yearning for a baby and a big move to dreaming of the early days of dating, our hearts are constantly seeking and our minds are always racing. We compare and stress and let jealousy make us believe we don't have enough.

I reminded myself that I am grateful for today and that right now is enough. I know and believe that this life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to be.