{best friends}

Last week I mentioned that life has a way of handing me conversation after conversation on the same subject - carefully dancing around it, nudging me toward it without coming out and saying: Whitney you ought to deal with this. And normally I notice it, feeling one part shocked by coincidence and another part relieved that, yes, all we twenty something's are on the same page. 

Lately there has been a lot of talk around friendships between my friends and me (convenient people to have it with, I tell ya) and it seems that we're all trying to sort through this post-graduate world very carefully. Aware now, more than ever, how badly we yearn for deeper relationships, and yet, contrastingly, how independent we are - savoring our rare alone time and wanting to create our own worlds, establish ourselves. 

So how do you find a balance? And how do you know which of these relationships are as real and true as the ones you made in high school and college? Who can you let in to your heart? 

I was recently talking with my owly-wise friend, Maggie, about it. I was frustrated by a situation and called her and said: Mag, I need you to speak truth to me. Why is this bothering me so much? 

She told me two things. 

One, I already knew but needed to be reminded: I have a tendency to not give up on friendships (or anything- e.g. even unsalvageable DIY projects). Which, as Maggie so kindly told me, is wonderful when they're life-giving. But when they're no longer good and pure, unfortunately, is often when I really dig my heels in. It can't not work. This is a project and I will fix it! And get an A! Plus! (<<< that's my brain) 

But Maggie said you have to ask yourself this question: is this friendship depleting me? Or completing me? Because those that deplete, stress and exhaust us are not worth fighting for. The ones that are fulfilling - that both parties care deeply for one another and want to invest - are the ones you fight for even when they get rocky. 

And it's important to differentiate between the two.

Do you cut the other people out? Certainly not (unless they're truly hurtful). But because our hearts are tender and time is precious, it can help us invest wisely and understand that when the friendship isn't growing like we'd like it to, maybe it doesn't mean we try harder, but instead appreciate the friendship for what it is. Whether that be just a fun friend, or a try-new-restaurants friend or a perfect-for-work-friend, we need and crave different levels of friendship. And not everyone can be the come-in-to-the-deep-corners-of-your-heart-friend. That is a special spot, you know.

As my mom often reminds me: the very best, deep, true friendships are once in a lifetime. And if you're lucky enough to find more than one in a lifetime, you are very lucky.

I most certainly agree, Muff. :)

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indy weekend // baby T // DIYs

I told you all last week how Atlanta is making a sweet spot in my heart but, boy, oh boy, do I love home. My home. And my home people. They make me yearn for the ability to teleport like you don't even know. 

This weekend I went to Indiana for my cousin's wife's baby shower (cousin-in-law?). My mom and aunt, Mit, were throwing the shower for her and I couldn't miss it. It was a wonderful weekend there...

Friday, I got to see some of my very dear friends at Jordan's house. We drank wine and laughed and caught up on all things good. It made me feel so full seeing them.

Saturday we did last minute shower things, then the festivities began. The shower was so much fun and Samantha was an incredibly gracious and precious prego. I'm so excited to meet her sweet baby, Torrence in June!

I also have to take a minute to brag on my mom's amazing craftiness. She had a vision to create a cupcake tower out of onesies. 

I think I have over-explained my relationship with DIYs, and my mom is the exact same way. The attitude applies to crafting, too. It takes so long and requires so much detail orientation! But Muff had a vision.

She enlisted the help of my dad and me and, let me tell you, it's harder than they make it look on Pinterest! My mom outdid me on patience and craftiness and, alas, mastered the beautiful tower. 

I, on the other hand, helped make the sign for Torrence to hang above the mantle (with the help of my dad, who cut all the triangles!). Check out my skills below. First try, guys. First try: 

:) I fixed it, don't worry.

Congratulations Sam! Cannot wait to meet ecnerroT!

sianara, should

Stop should-ing on yourself.

Someone told me that recently. And I laughed a little bit and then spent too long thinking about other ways to make should almost sound like a cuss word (I'm not should-ing you.)

But then I let the actual meaning of it sink in and thought about just how many times a day I should myself. 

Should is a scary word because it implies that we are doing something wrong. Even when used in the least-aggressive, healthiest of ways (I should like kale. I should be on time. I should slow down.), it implies that we are inadequate. That we are not enough just doing what we're doing.

In high school, I ran cross country and had a very intense coach, who, as we were 14 years old, transitioning from the middle to high school teams, told us we should be running at least 60 miles a week to keep up with the training. Katie and I would go to 6 a.m. summer practices every day, sweating it out on those humid Indiana mornings.

And what turned in to a simple guideline became a rigorous should. We should be running at least 8.6 miles a day. But what if, one day, you just want to five or four or three? Heaven forbid, what if we want a day off?

Lately I've found that life is not as coincidental as we'd like to think. There is meaning behind what happens to us and sometimes life hands me the same conversation with different people, over and over in a short period of time, and I think that when life does that, it's telling me to blog about it.

And these days it seems like a lot of people aren't quite feeling like they're enough - like they should be married. Should be buying a house. Should be getting promoted. Should be having a baby. Should be further along. Should, should, should.  

Should is exhausting. Should is telling ourselves we are not succeeding. Should is shaming.

What if instead of should-ing all the time, we could?

I could be doing this, yes. But instead I'm doing that. And that's great, too.

I could be running 8.6 miles today, but instead I'm going to yoga. Or, possibly, taking a day off! And that's fulfilling, too.

I've decided that on this April Thursday, I'm banning should from my vocabulary. I'm hoping that by shining a little light on the word, I can take away it's power. We can begin to believe - even if only fleetingly at first - that today, just by doing the things we're doing, we're doing enough.

And I won't say that you should do it too, but I really think you could. Because you, my friend, are enough too. In fact, you're more than enough. Just by being you.

images via pinterest

playing hard to get

 

When we're neighbors we can go on walks after dinner.

 

When we live in the same town, we can take yoga together and have wine nights.

 

When we live closer together, we can make dinner and go on double dates.

 

I can't tell you how many times I have some variation of that conversation with my family and friends each week. It's like my coping mechanism for the distance between me and so many of the people I love: it won't last forever - you'll be with them soon - just hold on to the dream.

 

I was recently talking with Katie, who lives in Chicago, and was telling her that this spring, Atlanta is really starting to feel like home to me. And it feels so good - it's life-giving and fulfilling and makes me feel like I'm starting to understand my piece of this post-grad puzzle. But it also makes me feel panicked, and I didn't understand why at first. But then I asked Katie if she was going to buy a house in Chicago and she said: no, because then I'm stuck. I can't just leave.

 

 

And then I finally understood why it scares me that Atlanta feels like home. If Georgia begins to feel like the place I am meant to be, and if it begins to take up more room in my heart - if I love my job and relationships and am putting down roots - what happens to my plans? What happens to wine nights on my back patio with my far away friends?

 

It's like I've spent the last 2.5 years playing hard to get with this city: I can leave anytime. If you don't give me the job/husband/friends/life I want, I'll leave. I have lots of people I could run to, you know? If this doesn't work out, I'll be fine. I'll be out of here.

 

But as my relationships and career and life have begun to grow and develop, this city has slowly taken hold of my heart. The stakes are higher and it would be harder to leave.

 

 

Court and her family recently decided to move back to Virginia, and Ash and her family decided to buy a new house in Colorado - and both of their husbands are starting new jobs in their respective states.

 

So how can this be? How can my sisters both be doing what I'm doing in Atlanta, but doing it so far away?

 

I'm not sure, exactly. It doesn't make sense to me just yet, but I've noticed lately that life has a funny way of working itself out. Just when you think things aren't making sense it all, so often it seems lots of little pieces fall in to place. So for now, we just have to keep building the life and relationships that feel right in this moment, and doing our best to make the distance seem a little smaller than it really is.

 

And someday, when we're all sitting on our back porch, eating dinner after a long day together, we'll know that the time apart was worth exploring. And the time together? It'll be worth the wait.

 

I just know it.

 

 

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