{free coffee, free happies}

Something you should know about me is this: I'm a gift card hoarder. I never spend them because I obsess over buying the perfect thing. I'm a total prisoner to the plastic, which means I have about 50 in my purse (not an exaggeration). It's like the candle you never burn or the outfit you never wear because you love them so much.

For Lent I decided to give something away every day. Whether it's big or small need not matter - it could be a clothing item, essential oil, coffee mug or anything in between. I'm hoping that by giving away things - especially things I like - I will be less attached to my possessions and cultivate a posture of giving in my own life.

Last night, I decided to tackle my personal struggle and give away a gift card. I added $25 to an existing Starbucks card (making it just over $40 for 40 days of Lent) and posted it to Instagram this morning. I thought it would be fun for people to grab a coffee on their way into work.

It was the best morning watching the card be used and, just as it got to $0, someone reloaded it. Over and over again, people kept using it, then adding more. It was the gift card that never stopped giving and I was ecstatic all afternoon as it kept going and going.

It got me thinking about the way I look at my possessions. Sometimes I feel weighed down by them - I have so much stuff; do I really need it all? What the experiment taught me is that sometimes, having something to yourself can bring you joy. But most of the time, sharing it with others bring the joy back ten fold.

I don't know what is left on the card, but feel free to get yourself a coffee (you can scan it just like a gift card), add more to it, buy for a stranger or create your own way to share the love.

Happy Wednesday, my friends!

Just Because He Loves Jesus Doesn't Mean He's the One

When I was 13 I made a list of all of the traits I wanted in my husband. He had to play guitar, be smart, love my family and love Jesus. As I've gotten older my list has evolved. He doesn't really need to play the guitar or do yoga. Those were negotiable. However, some of the others stuck. He has to love my family and care about me and be intelligent. And, the biggest one of all: he's gotta love Jesus.

A lot of my friends have similar non-negotiables - whether they are Christians or not, they have the things that they know they can't live without. For me, faith is a huge part of my life and the way I operate - both in big moments and in the day-to-day. I can't imagine building a family on anything but the foundation of Christ and I know I want to do that alongside my husband.

Sometimes, though, I think we get so caught up in checking the boxes that we forget there is more to it.

Just because a guy loves Jesus doesn't mean he's my husband. And the same goes for if he is Jewish or a Democrat or wants to travel to Africa, just like you.

Love and relationships are not about a series of checking the boxes and  just because someone meets my minimum criteria doesn't mean he is meant to be my life partner.

What I've learned is that the negotiable items - the things that I didn't really know I wanted or needed - are important, too. They are the pleasant surprises. Love isn't about meeting a baseline. It's not about maintaining control. It's about finding someone you want to have as your partner and grow alongside.

Someone might meet your checklist at first glance, but that doesn't mean you should marry him.

For about a year in my 20s, I dated a guy who met all the criteria I wanted on paper. But as we got to know each other better, it became clear he wasn't the one for me. Why? He was pretty guarded and rigid and those are traits that come very naturally to me, but I've worked really hard to break free from. So dating him was like dating myself a few years prior. He may have met my criteria on paper, but emotionally, we weren't aligned.

Melissa and I were talking about that relationship this week and she said:

It was like you could never relax with him.

And she's exactly right. I wasn't the fullest, most vibrant version of myself around him.

Checklists don't tell you that. You have to learn by trial and be willing to set the list aside. Even though I know I need to marry a God-fearing man who loves my family and ice cream, too, I hope the man I marry is more than these three things. I hope he is someone who brings out the best in me and helps me to be the fullest version of myself. I hope he is more than a checklist; I hope he is my partner in all I do.

5 Habits of Healthy Couples

I've had the privilege of watching a few of my very best friends get engaged in the last few weeks. As I've done it, I've thought a lot about what makes them strong - what has made their relationship work. Although it is - of course - a compilation of hundreds of things, this is what I've noticed about so many of them:

5 Habits of Healthy Couples

1. They never stop dating. They take time go on dates and pursue one another. They are comfortable but not complacent. Whether it be cooking together or getting all dressed up, they take time to connect. 
2. They have shared interests, but also have their own hobbies. It's important to have shared interests and things you want to do together. But I've also noticed the strongest couples have things they do on their own, too. They are not afraid to spend some time apart. They take time to grow as individuals, which makes them stronger as a couple. 
3. They over-communicate. I don't honestly think you can over-communicate when it comes to relationships. The best couples I know talk, talk, talk to make sure they are constantly on the same page. 
4. The practice self-care. We are better when we take time to care for ourselves. From getting enough sleep, to eating well, to exercising, we can serve and care for one another better when we are taken care of.
5. They apologize. Saying the s-word can be really hard, but it's essential in happy relationships. Even when it isn't your fault, you can be sorry. Sorry isn't about blame, it's about how you feel. 

on opening up

On Sunday I potted tulips in our front room - hoping to welcome spring into our house a little sooner. Historically, I've not had much of a green thumb so I read the instructions carefully: place in a room with direct sunlight. Do not allow tulips to stand in water or dry out completely.

I read the instructions a few times to make sure I had it right. They sounded a little temperamental and I wanted to make sure I didn't subject them to a drought of any kind.

This morning I walked out of my bedroom into the dimly lit house and something caught my eye; overnight the tulips opened up. They'd become red, beautiful flowers - filling our house with warm spring vibes.

Watching the shift overnight got me thinking about what it takes for us to open up. A friend and I were talking this weekend about how vulnerability is easily one of the hardest parts of adulthood. It is scary to let someone into your heart - to open up and let them see what's inside.

As I've gotten older, I've come to learn, though, that I never regret it when I am vulnerable. It is a leap of faith, but I am rarely sorry when I take it. I'm like the tulips; the conditions have to be just right and I can be a little temperamental. But it is always worth it.

Sometimes I think we hold our burdens too closely to our chests - we squeeze them tightly against us with the hope that no one will see that we are fighting; that we aren't perfect. But what if we loosened our grip? What if we held our arms out - opened up to the people around us, who love us, instead of carrying them all ourselves?

I don't know what your carrying today. Maybe you're living a life of performing and earning. Maybe you are not letting people see your hurts and truths. Maybe you are hiding behind a veil of perfection, because your burdens seem too big to share.

But even without knowing what you are carrying, I know that our troubles need to be aired out - not closed in. Things can seem big and scary in the dark, but when we shine light on them, they often become much smaller. And when we open up and let people see the real, honest versions of ourselves, we allow ourselves to shine and grow. And that is really beautiful.