on being an adult

Have you ever been eating breakfast while planning your lunch? And maybe your dinner, too? The act of constantly looking ahead is so inherent in our human nature that it often feels inevitable; we're in the midst of one thing asking: what is next? Always looking on to the bigger and better. 

Metaphorically speaking, lately I've been eating my favorite cereal while thinking about a sandwich for lunch, salad for dinner and ice cream for dessert.

More literally, this season has been one of my favorites so far, yet I'm having a hard time feeling settled. There is a lot of uncertainty, with change on the horizon in major areas of my life (will blog more about that soon!). It feels like there are far more questions than answers and it's making me feel scattered and anxious. 

I have so many goals, dreams and hopes for what the next season of life will look like, yet there is a constant voice telling me: Wait. Slow down.

It's telling me to hold on one second and enjoy the moment. To savor the last few months living with Melly and Duke in our little rental. Not to be so worried about growing Instagram followers or blog numbers and to keep doing what I love to do: talking to 20 somethings & women about why life can be harder than we expected, but it's OK because we're in it together. 

Part of me is itching for an adventure while another part of me is yearning to put down roots, wondering when I might be able to exercise my Pinterest house board. There is a palpable tension - a simultaneous pressing of the gas pedal and brake. It is frustrating and exhilarating all at once.

And what I'm learning is that's sort of what being an adult looks like. It's the good mixed with the bad, the fast mixed with the slow and the pain mixed with the joy. It's my heart overflowing with gratitude and glee as I marry Chris, with a little bit of ache as I say goodbye to this sweet, finite season. 

It's about living with our hands open, not closed. It's about the process and the middle, not just the end. It's about knowing that everything on this earth is temporary and the best thing we can do is enjoy the right now, be grateful for what we have and love one another the best we can.

So, that's what being an adult looks like from my 29-don't-really-feel-like-an-adult vantage point. 

Grain Free Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

Wednesday marked 100 days until our wedding. Holy smokes! Some might say this is a good starting point for a wedding diet, but y'all know that's not how I roll. Instead, I decided to make cookie dough in honor of the celebration!

I'm not Paleo, but often try out grain-free, protein-heavy recipes because (1) I'm gluten free and (2) I eat enough dessert that trying to work some nutrients into them seems like a wise idea. Hope you enjoy!

Grain Free Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough (eggless, too!)

Prep time: 5 minutes
Cook time: N/A
Total time: 5 minutes

Ingredients

1 stick softened grass-fed butter
2 t. vanilla
1/2 c. softened peanut butter (sub almond for paleo)
1/2 t. sea salt
1 c. almond flour
2 T. almond or cashew milk
1/2 dark 85% chocolate chips
Optional ingredients:
- Honey if you'd like it a little sweeter.
- Collagen for digestion (I did this)

Directions

- In a medium sized bowl, mix wet ingredients
- Slowly add dry ingredients, mixing as you go
- Stir in chocolate chips
- Refrigerate until eating - I liked it better cold, cold. 
- Eat, enjoy, repeat

Happy Friday, friends! 

When Your Best Friend Gets a Boyfriend

Alternate post title: Maintaining Balance When Your BFF, Who is Acting as Your Stand-In Boyfriend, Gets a Boyfriend of Her Own. But that was too long. 

One of the best things about my 25th year, during which I was mostly single, was the way my friends basically became surrogate boyfriends. We tried new restaurants,  talked on the phone late into the night and unabashedly allowed our weekends to revolve around one another. No shame in being a packaged deal, here! Significant others are invited? Awesome. I'll bring my roommate. 

It was a beautiful season where my friendships grew deeper than ever. On our loneliest nights, we relied upon one another. On our happiest nights, we didn't think twice about not having a boyfriend or the ways our lives felt "behind" the girls who were married. 

But then, things began to change. Single girls got boyfriends. Dating girls got engaged. Engaged girls got married. And married girls began to move away. Our season of full reliance upon one another shifted quickly; it was a tiny moment in time - gone before we realized what we'd had. 

When this started happening in my life, I struggled a bit as I saw my friendships shifting. I'm great with physical change, such as rearranging a room, but  not-so-great with emotional changes. I mostly want happy times to stay happy and never change.  Is that so much to ask?

Here are a few things I wish I'd known when I was navigating this delicate phase of friendship:

For the girl who is still single:

1. You aren't getting left behind. It can feel that way in the moment, but you aren't going to be stuck forever. You may not get a boyfriend at the exact time as your friends, but your life will continue to evolve and flourish. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to panic or focus only on your singleness. 

2. Don't be mad at your friend for getting a boyfriend. It's OK to feel a little sad at the way things are changing, but don't be upset with her for liking a boy. Her intentions aren't bad and it helps to try to remember this.

3. Give her time to master the balance of dating someone while still maintaining friendships. It can be hard, at first, when you're integrating someone new into your life, while still making room for the people who were there before. Give her some grace to find that balance. 

4. Mourn it if you need to do so. Things are changing and it's OK to feel sad as they do. Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge this. 

5. You are not being replaced. While you might not be her surrogate boyfriend anymore, you can still be her dear, dear friend. 

For the girl who gets a boyfriend:

1. Understand that it could feel like a shift for your friend. Give her some time to process the changes. 

2. Don't forget about your buddy. She was there for you in the very beginning - helping you craft text messages, pick out your outfits and dissect what he meant when he said that crazy thing. Don't forget about her. 

3. But don't be afraid to make extra space for your boyfriend. As you get more serious, it's inevitable that you'll see a little less of your friends. Don't panic. This is healthy and normal and you can absolutely still maintain your friendships. 

4. Don't make everything for couples. Double dates and couples trips are super fun and you should embrace them. But, single peeps are fun, too! Don't forget that everybody likes lake weekends, with or without a boyfriend. 

5. Give her some solo love. Make time for girls' nights, just like the old days. Boys don't really like The Bachelor and a glass of white wine all that much, anyway.

when you just want someone to take care of you

"Thank you for the amazing yoga class," I managed to piece together while holding back tears. "I'm on the heels of a bad breakup and coming to your class has helped me so much."

These are the words I fumbled over as I stood in front of my yoga instructor, still sweating from the class. I was awkward as the rest of the students filed out around me, but she was blessedly gracious as she gave me a hug and thanked me for telling her. 

In the weeks after my breakup, I found myself spending a lot of time at Balance Yoga. The classes helped me feel calm in my emotionally chaotic state and the consistency of seeing the same people a few times every week made me feel less lonely. In the moment, it felt important to express how much her classes meant to me. 

I recognize now what I couldn't see then: I wanted someone to care for me. I wanted her to know my story and be gentle with me in my fragile condition. I wanted to be seen and known. 

Although I felt very cared for by my friends and family, most of them were not local. I was yearning for physical touch, eye contact and an earnest listening ear. I was aching to feel like I was part of a community in Atlanta - not just a heartbroken, floundering girl driving down Peachtree. 

I've read a lot of blog posts about the importance of mothering yourself - of owning your self care and giving yourself the grace and compassion so many of our moms show us. I get that and I love it. But sometimes, in our most vulnerable moments, when our mom is far away, we just want someone to give us a hug and tell us everything will be OK. We just want someone to put their hands on our shoulders, look us in the eyes and say: I care. 

I've come to believe, throughout my 20s, that some seasons are for loneliness and some are for abundance. I'd never appreciate the community I have in Atlanta, today, had I not ached and yearned for community for months on end. 

If you find yourself aching, today, for someone who cares, I wanted to remind you that you are loved. You are known. You are beautiful. Your loneliness is valid and it's OK to feel it. But you are not alone. Don't let moments of self-doubt tempt you to settle or lead you to believe that you are not loved.

You are stronger than you think and more loved than you can fathom. Carry on and remember the darkest hour is before the dawn. 

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:26 (Message)