why i haven't been blogging

I know I haven't been much of a blogger lately  and I'd like to tell you it's because I started a new role at work, had friends in town, went out of town and finally got new a car. 

And all of those things would be true. 

But the real truth is that lately I just haven't wanted to blog. I've been too weighed down by the keeping up. 

I've blogged for years because I love to write, but this winter something shifted for me. 
I became worried about my analytics. 
I felt like I should have clothes cute enough for people to want.  
And exciting events to constantly tell you about. 
And a cute baby or puppy to show you. 
Or, at the very least, a recipe to share.

I started to feel like my real life wasn't as worthy of living as the lives of other bloggers. I started to feel jealous of other bloggers who are friends - wondering if I wasn't cool enough to be invited into the blogger-friend-club. 

And because half of my brain knows this is not true, but half of my brain craves being accepted - more views, more likes, more RTs - I shut down. I knew that posting any of the above things for the wrong reason (which is what mine would have been) would not have been true to myself. 

Is it wrong to share a recipe I love? Of course not! 
Is it wrong to post it because I want 1,500 people to pin it and Buzzfeed to pick it up and everyone to think I'm so creative? Uh huh. Oh yeah. My worth isn't defined by how many recipe pins I get. 

Also, I've long struggled with the writer vs. blogger dichotomy. I never set out to be a blogger - I set out to write, to share my thoughts and to make a positive, real impact on the world. But, one thing led to another and before I knew it I was guest posting, weekend recapping and recipe creating. Before I knew it I was more concerned with the photos for each post than I was with the content itself. 

And to be a blogger is not wrong. I love reading so many blogs. I find recipes and workouts almost primarily through blogs I love. I find outfit ideas and home decor and a million amazing things. There are girls out there who are truly meant to blog right now - they are saying beautiful, wonderful things full of conviction and passion.

But, I want to participate in the blogosphere not because I want to keep up with it, but because it excites me. I want to write and to share the things about which I feel convicted. Sometimes it may be through a recipe and sometimes it may be through my photos. 

What this has taught me is that I don't want to do anything - whether it be blogging, writing, photographing or anything in between - with the hope of keeping up and being accepted. I want to do these things because they excite me. They give me energy. They are my passions. 

So now what? I don't know. I don't know if this confession will reinvigorate me and suddenly tomorrow I'll be giving you a weekend recap and a bucket list update. It could happen. Or maybe I'll wake up in the middle of the night tonight, struck by some post that I just have to get down on paper. 

We will see. 

But today, I'm taking back my blog. I'm running toward it, not away from it. I'm believing that the blog - and life - I have created are enough. Whether I have 5 or 5,000 views tomorrow need not matter. Because this life is worth living no matter what.