Five Facts from a Guy {about marriage} #4

Happy Friday, friends! I'm in Chicago this weekend to be part of my sweet friend, Jamie's wedding. Here to check in with you this week is my wonderful brother-in-law, Ryan. Below are five facts from him about why he loves marriage. Doesn't every girl love hearing about a guy who loves marriage?! I think so :)

And, in case you've missed them, catch up on the previous Five Facts from a Guy posts.

{Ryan is married to my sister, Courtney. Their sweet fam is expecting their fifth baby in November! They were high school sweethearts and I admire their relationship so much.}

When Whitney asked me to contribute to her blog, I was thrilled, honored, but not sure what I could bring to the table. When one of Atlanta's leaders asks you to do something (she's probably too humble to post this....), first you say yes and then you realize, those are some big shoes to fill! I have seen firsthand, the hurt that comes from failed marriages, but I've also seen that a marriage centered on Christ can be something truly wonderful. After having been married for 12 years (almost), I thought maybe giving a perspective on marriage from a guy's point of view might be a good place to start.

So, here are five reasons (there are many more) why I love marriage and why I think it makes men THRIVE!

1. It has made me even more adventurous. Adventure marks one of the core desires of a man's heart.  We want to LIVE!  Even as a young boy, I knew I was built for a larger story that wasn't just about myself.  I dreamed of being a mighty hero and having a beautiful heroine to share my adventures with.  God created this desire within us from the beginning to pursue and to share in our adventures.  Whenever I travel somewhere new or accomplish something I am proud of, I want to share the experience.  There is infinite value in having someone to share your life's story with.  Not that I wasn't adventurous when I was single, but marriage has brought my adventure to life!

2. It allows me to find truer rest. Life can feel insane.  And society tends to value those with a packed schedule and calendar.  I have found that I never feel truly at rest until I am at home with my wife and kids.  Home can take on a variety of meanings, but I've found it's not a place, but rather the people that compose it. I love exploration and change as much as the next guy, but there is so much comfort in coming home to someone who truly knows you and loves you for all that you are.  Home is where you can receive validation for who you are, all of you, and rest in it.  

3. It has given me a partner for everything. There is no doubt that life can be hard.  There is suffering, loss, guilt, demands and unmet expectations.  Four years ago, my wife was critically ill and we almost lost our unborn son.  It was the darkest and hardest stage of my life thus far.  We all need encouragement.  I live every day of my life with my best friend and biggest support.  As we walked through the months of fear and uncertainty, we had each other to rely on.  I was able to encourage and support her as she struggled through each week.  And she was able to give me hope and help me to lean on the Lord.  We balance one another so well.  When one of us is weak, the other is strong. We have laughed, cried and grown through 12 years of marriage. 

As a man, it can be so hard to admit that I need help.  But there is so much freedom is having a woman by your side who gives you the freedom to do just that.  She encourages me in my faith and leads when I need her to be strong.  God gave women a beautifully fierce heart and it blends perfectly with our own.  

4. It gives me the chance to constantly pursue my wife. I am always pursuing my wife's heart.  Some days I'm better at it than others.  Marriage brings with it an intimacy that I could not have begun to understand when I was single.  There is so much beauty in having someone know you completely and living with a free heart.  Marriage has meant for me a deeper communion with my wife and with God.  Every woman longs to be loved, to be chosen, to have someone value and fight for her.  Men were built to pursue and to fight for you.  Let us do just that.

5. It has helped me understand what love really means. Marriage is filled with beauty.  I delight in my wife.  I find beauty in the evenings when we are dressed up and out for the night.  I find beauty in waking up next to her and having us both look like we needed many more hours of sleep.  I find beauty in watching her raise our children and seeing who they are becoming.  The days can often feel mundane, but there is so much beauty right in front of us.  It is with gratitude and awe that I look at our life together. For a moment I get to see a glimpse of the love that God has for us.  Having four (soon to be five) children has allowed me to realize what a loving father would do for his children, just as our Father would do for us.  I could never have grasped this on my own.  

5 Ways to Get Good at Saying No

I used to schedule every minute of every day.

I lived by my planner and calendar and rarely deviated from them. I had to do lists for work and to do lists for personal. I had lists of people to call and things to blog about and areas of my house to organize and reorganize again.  I constantly told myself that the best way to live life was to work then play; priding myself on being someone who could get.stuff.done.

But the problem was, when was I making time to play? 

It's easy, I think, to yearn for time to do nothing. As I've gotten older, though, I've begun to understand that having excess room in our lives isn't so that we can do nothing. Instead, it's to make room to do what we love.

I used to try to make time to watch TV, but, the problem was, it didn't fulfill me. I'd etch out an hour a week to be unscheduled - to sit in front of the TV on the couch - and would find it so unfulfilling that it never seemed like enough. I found myself both despising the time and yearning for more of it simultaneously.

Throughout my 20s, I began to understand that I was going about it the wrong way. I don't yearn for time watching TV, so why was I trying to carve out dedicated time for it? I've had to learn to quiet that voice that tells me what I should be doing and instead listen to the quieter, kinder voice that urges me to make time for self-care. The voice that reminds me I deserve rest and pleasure, not because I've earned them with a to do list, but instead because I exist and I am enough as I am.

Most of all, I've had to learn to say no to the wrong things and yes to the right things. Here's how I got good (read: better) at saying no and making time for self care:

1. Write a purpose statement for this season of life. What do you want this phase of life to stand for? What do you want to get out of it? What matters? What doesn't?

My purpose statement for this season looks something like this:

This summer, I want to spend more time with my friends and family, so I can grow deeper in those relationships. I want to be present and relaxed with them, so that I can be real and vulnerable. I don't want to be checking the clock or squeezing them in between other things or asking them to schedule time with me in advance. 

I also want to start every day by reading my bible and journaling, so I can get closer to the Lord. I want to lead a weekly discipleship group and make time to worship regularly. 

I want to grow my blog and my coaching business. I want to get enough sleep. And have time to read, do yoga and exercise. I want to have room for spontaneity, adventure and relaxation.

That's all I want to do this summer. There are a lot of things that didn't make this list. I am not going to be volunteering at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta or at Truly Living Well community garden like I have in the past. I am not going to be trying to make new friends, but instead pouring into the ones that are already in my life. I am not going to be getting certified in yoga, which I had originally planned to do. I'm not going to be selling essential oils or taking any classes or doing any of the things I've done in the past to hustle all day long.

But those are good things. Why am I cutting them out? I haven't eliminated them because they are a waste of time or energy, but, instead, because they don't align with my purpose for this summer. And that's my litmus test. If it doesn't fit into my purpose statement, I won't add it to my schedule.

2. Be kind, honest and firm in your no. If you choose to say no to something that doesn't align with your purpose, be honest with whomever has asked you. I've been amazed at the way people have understood and appreciated the honesty when I tell them, kindly, that I'd love to another time, but right now, I do not have capacity to take on what they're asking me to do. After you say no, though, be firm in it. Don't go back and make sure it's OK with them, or apologize excessively. We do ourselves a disservice when we seek permission or apologize unnecessarily.

3. Bolster your reasoning. Make a list of why you want to cut things out of your life. Here's what my list looks like:

- I am a better friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, etc., when I make time for myself. And being good to the people I love is the best motivation for me.
- I am more patient, a better conversationalist and more energized when I make time for myself.
- I am more grounded in what I want and who I am when I practice self care
- I deserve alone time, self care and doing what I enjoy simply because I exist. Not because I have earned it.

4. Take baby steps. If at first taking a whole night to yourself each week feels unreasonable, start smaller. Consider taking 15 minutes every day after work to read. Try setting an alarm to spend an hour listening to music or reading a magazine uninterrupted. Practice giving yourself little chunks of time that feel life giving and rejuvenating. Eventually, you will work up to more time.

5. Remember: you are not everything to everyone. Pleasers and doers tend to think that the world will stop turning if they stop doing. Remind yourself: you are not the only person that can take on that task, complete that list or give that advice. You are not responsible for the success of everything or everyone's feelings. It is not your job to be everything to everyone.

Now, happy Wednesday! I'm off to journal and do some yoga. And that's all :)

first weekend of summer in ATL

One of my all-time favorite holidays each year is the first day of summer. Nothing says happy to me like the longest day of the year. This past week I've been celebrating with as much time as possible in that sweet Georgia sun. With that sweet man-made sunscreen :) Here's what I've been up to:

Free King of Pops yoga on the BeltLine (every Tuesday - 7 p.m.!) with Melly.

{Melly got this sweet Atlanta on the Rise mug from Foster ATL}

Slow mornings with good convo&coffee on my brothers' deck before the sun gets too hot. 

King of Pops in honor of our Pops on Father's Day! No better way for a Biber to celebrate someone they love than with dessert. It's our love language.

A pool day (with more sunscreen) to celebrate our sweet friend Megan's birthday.

And two (yes, two!) trips to the new Victory in Inman Park. Mile High Club and Tea Bird gluten free sandwiches for this girl! So good. And so happy. Welcome back to the neighborhood, Victory! We're so glad you're here.

And now it is officially my favorite season of the year! Happy Monday!

Five Facts from a Guy {about girls} #3

Hey, Friday friendy fries! I'm back this week with Five Facts from a Guy #3. Enjoy below from my sweet brother, Duke! Have a wonderful weekend!

Duke, Sam and me the first weekend they moved to Atlanta!

1. Be confident in yourself. Guys love girls who are comfortable and confident in who they are. That doesn’t mean you have to have every aspect of your life figured out (because guys definitely don’t either). But having an awareness of where you are in life and the confidence to fully enjoy and appreciate the present is truly attractive!

2. Don’t let us be your everything. It is so easy for a relationship to become an idol that we center our lives around. This can lead to impossible expectations that neither person can ever live up to. Enjoy your relationship. Even LOVE it! Just don’t let it be your only reason for waking up each morning! You can best serve a guy by serving God first. Everything else will follow!

3. Keep your eyes open to the good and the bad. No relationship is perfect. Guys understand this! Let us know if something is bothering you and how we can better serve you. However, we also like to receive compliments and talk about the good aspects of our relationship. A relationship will flourish if we have an understanding of what does work and where we may need to work a bit more intentionally. So next time you want to discuss something that is driving you crazy, try a compliment sandwich! We will feel appreciated and more receptive.

4. Be emotional because guys are too. There is a reason why guys don’t watch The Notebook. It. Will. Make. Us. Cry. If a guy says he is not emotional or doesn’t “feel in that way,” he may not be in touch with his emotional triggers. Everyone has the capability to feel sadness, happiness, anger, fear, and the myriad of emotions in between. And your willingness to be emotionally vulnerable will help us feel comfortable to do the same. So next time a guy says no to watching a Nicholas Sparks movie, just know that the reason is more than us not liking chick flicks.

5. A guy can best see your beauty when you see it in yourself. Girls, we want you to know that you are beautiful. Inside and out. And we want you to own it. You are beautiful with or without a guy telling you so. True beauty comes from your confidence in your own character and your faithfulness to God. From that comes our perception of your external beauty.  And you realizing your own beauty is the most beautiful thing about you.